Dear So and So...

Dear Psycho Italian Asshole
I know that the realization that nobody, and I mean nobody, in my entire family EVER liked you kinda sucks. It's true... My mom loved my ex.. I admit it. No reason to lie any longer.. and fill your head up with promises that she did, in fact, like you; despite the fact that she looked at you like a complete idiot every time you opened your mouth. It's time the truth be known. ALSO, I really hope you keep up with this whole "I never want to talk to you again" thing. It will not only make me happier.. but it will also make me.. well, happier. And guess what?!?! When you tell me its my loss, I can't help but laugh a little..

Good riddance,
Totally normal, independent, American girl

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Dear Kyle
I can't tell you how proud I am of you for deciding to stop drinking. I am behind you 100% and always will be

I love you,
your big sister

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Dear annoying ringing sound in my ears
Your getting to be intolerable. I heard once that it means people are talking about me. If that is the case, I would rather not have the "notification" and just not know. I'm sure, especially considering recent events, that people are talking about me. I also know.. that it prolly isn't good. So, again, no notification needed.

Thanks anyways,
Ashley

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Dear Twin
How desperate to I need to be to get an opportunity to see you? We have too much to talk about.. too many cigarettes to smoke while we are talking, too many people to laugh at and pick on, too many.. TMs to share. Let figure this out ASAP. Also, Mee Ri wants us to go visit her soon. I agree.. Lets pack our bags.

Twin

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Dear Everyone who files for bankruptcy... through me
It is not up to me on how fast your bankruptcy gets filed. It is up to you. Also, do not get mad at me if I tell you that bankruptcy is not an option because your make too much money, just start paying your bills.. and stop spending $400 a month on clothing. Be efficient.. and you will be rewarded. No more phone calls.. I'm not answering anymore.

Not sorry for the inconvenience,
Ashley

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Dear Chelsea Handler
The amusement you give me through your late night talk show and your blog just keeps growing. I totally disagree when people call you a bitch. Well, no, I take that back. You are a bitch. But its funny.. so who really cares?

keep up the good work,
Ashley

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Dear any GIRL under the age of 21
At your age, you do not have to be in such a rush to get married and have kids. I know, they are wonderful and a blessing no one can imagine until it happens to them. But stop thinking it is the "cool" thing to do.. and opening your legs to whoever happens to pass by. IT is getting to the point where the people having kids and getting married are actually out numbering those of us who are still in school and casually dating. Why is everyone in such a hurry?! I am getting sooooo exhausted with constantly finding out that someone else I went to school with is either a. engaged b. married c. pregnant d. pregnant again e. getting divorced or f. trying to get pregnant. Its sickening. Live your life first!!! If your getting married now... Ill let you know of a couple divorce attorneys when your ready... o and I'll be your marriage counselor when you need one. Your children will prolly need me too, because God only knows how messed up they will be at the end of this. I would not be so upset if you actually took care of your children and got a job. But pawning your kids on your parents.. partying all the time and then complaining that you live in an 80 year old trailer is what pisses me off.

just a side note: it is not cute to take pictures of you awkwardly holding your child, while it looks like their head is gonna fall off... and he/she screaming.. and then posting them on facebook. Good Lord! I don't have children.. and I could give you a parenting course.. and do better than your doing now. If you wanted to get something cute to take pictures with... you should have gotten a dog. Or a fish...

Keep 'em closed,
Ashley

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Dear This past week
We are not friends. Once 5:00 p.m. comes around and I can leave work for two days.. I am quickly forgetting all about you.. and everything that happened. I did not have ONE SINGLE good day this past week. Please let next week know that I have very high expectations.. and I do not want to be let down. Also, feel free to let my stalkers, pIah and my student loans know that they too can all go to hell.

I heard it hot where your going,
Ashley

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