First off.. here are two good, very different songs... that I love:
The End - Pearl Jam
Only You Can Love Me This Way - Keith Urban
I have 1. fallen back in love with Pearl Jam and 2. fallen in love with Keith Urban. He was on Ellen yesterday.. he has a way of making his audience feel like each individual person is the only one in the room. Plus, I love the way he plays the guitar. He is however bad for men. Because after watching him.. the only thing I could think of was "Man, I need to find a guy like that" but, I probably never will.. there are very few out there.. and most of them are taken... damn them.
After reading a post by a fellow blogger, Vodkamom (I read her posts religiously. She always has something good to say and usually makes me literally laugh out loud.. not just the fake LOL that we use frequently to passify or fill dead air) I started thinking about my own predicament I have gotten myself into. She made me feel and think differently. That I can, no matter how hard a road it is going to be, get through this. I have had my doubts and will undoubtedly have more along the way. However, I know that I am blessed with an amazing family, good friends and a strong will to prove everyone who doubts me wrong. Eventually, someday I will be happy with my life and where I am at. I will have accomplished things I never thought I would and I will be proud.. of myself. No approval needed. There will be a day that I look in the mirror and be happy. No exceptions, no changes.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying I am not happy with myself.. on the outside. Or, really, even on the inside. I know I am a good person. I know that I am loyal, honest, good hearted.. a good friend, sister, daughter, etc.. But there are days, and they have become more frequent, when I find it more and more difficult to keep going... to stay positive and to not give up. I know what is right, I know the logical thing to do. I am just getting so sick of having to work SO hard to get there... and go through so much.. I don't want to have any more life lessons or experiences. I have had enough.. for now.
I am bold enough to say that for 21 years old I have experienced more and been on more emotional roller coasters than most my age. Do i have it hard? not by any means. But, am i emotionally drained, exhausted and need a break? certainly. I don't want any more "guy," "daddy," "make everyone proud," "how can you be so stupid," and just basic this is what life is all about lessons. I know that I am going to have many roads to travel in the future.. but for a little while, I would like a break. I do believe that during the short life I have lived thus far, I can easily say that I know more, have grown more and have had more experience than your typical 21 year old woman. To Vodkamom, thanks for showing me that hardships come to everyone's doorstep at one point or another. It is important to appreciate and realize what you have. And I do.
Thats one small smidgen of things going through my mind right now. I am also trying to leap over other, seemingly impossible hurdles. But I'll get there. Stay tuned, I'm sure its gonna get interesting.
In other, usual, random, Ashley news:
--I am in a mellow music mood today. I used to loooove Pearl Jam in high school. It all started because of a guy I used to hang out with. I then went from pretending to know what I was listening to.. to loving the music. I have fallen again. Music, for approx. 3-4 minutes, makes everything okay. Makes me feel like my feelings and emotions are normal, justified and perfectly okay. That things are fine, just keep listening. So I do. Then, eventually, reality calls and the music stops. The play button is always there though and I am def wearing it out today.
--I ran out of my new favorite coffee creamer.. ugh
--I talked to Old Dan last night for about an hour. He is having girl issues. He has.. found someone he really likes and has feelings for. I honestly felt that when the day came that Dan told me he was dating, I would be devastated. I love Dan and while we dated, I was head over heels for him. Over time, my love for him changed and we found ourselves in a relationship that was no longer.. anything more than a friendship. I know him, whether he wants to admit it or not, better than he knows himself. And he knows me in the same sense. I was happy to be able to give him some good advice and be a friend. I'm proud of him. He has learned from our relationship.. and is doing things like he should have a long time ago. He has also found himself someone who actually deserves him.
--What the hell was up with The Bachelor last night. He too was on Ellen yesterday.. I wish I was on his show.. to steal his heart. He is ADORABLE. But, back on track, what was with the one girl he eliminated last night?! I have NEVER seen her, ever. I don't even remember her name. While she was telling the unfortunate camera man why she was so upset.. I was starting to feel bad for her. Then, I realized, it is her fault!! She should have.. spoken. Even breathed. Or said her name. jeesh, what do you expect?!
--Jimbos on the phone. His cell phone rang.. he picked it up and hung up.. and is in turn, getting pissed because they keep calling back. Thank God he has court at 1:30.
--The cleaning lady was here today.. talking to Jim about.. stuff.. and came in and started talking to me (shes super nice). She made my day. Telling me I do a good job and deserve a lot of credit for putting up with Jimbo. Thank you, sister!! I am sooo glad that I am not the only person who sees that Jimbo is a hard person to work for. HE has his moments... but mostly.. hes just grumpy (for reasons I will leave untold.. because .. I shouldn't blow up his spot.. even though most ppl who know him.. know exactly why hes always grumpy)
--one hour till lunch, I'm starving!!!
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