I Have No Name for This One. Sorry.

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

I think that pIah was put into my life for a reason. That reason, I have yet to find out and I am sure that reason is going to piss me off. It just plain pisses me off anyways. Maybe its to appreciate how sane the next lucky guy is who happens to stroll into my life (even tho all the ones lately have been.. well...stupid. But I guess thats better than crazy) or to appreciate that I am not with him, in St. Louis.. being his maid and deciding it was okay. who knows. But I want to figure it out soon because, like I said, it pisses me off. I wonder if anyone can make him disappear? like.. to another country.. never to leave. To live with his... gasp... mother (who is a huge b-i-t-c-h.. if I may say so myself). ---He just needs to leave me alone. forever and ever. Buuuuut he keeps trying to get me to talk to him. To tell him I am sorry and wish things could be different (I am sorry and I do wish things could be different. I am sorry I dated him.. and I wish I never had).. but I just politely (hahaha.. thats funny) tell him to stop trying to talk to me, stop being so damn psycho, put on a speedo and leave me alone (whats with the speedo? idk.) I also don't care which stds hes going to get from the copious amounts of girls he is sleeping with.. and telling me all about (the only good thing from that is he constantly tells me how good I was in bed.. hahaha.. like I need my ego boosted anymore). So the point to this story? I don't really have one. But i was going through my text messages and came across the dick picture. gross.


Its only Wednesday. This week has been dragging. gggaaahhhhh. I am also EXHAUSTED. I don't really know why. But I am. I want to fake sick, go see the nurse and get sent home.. but then.. I remember that I am not in high school anymore. I have to work. For Jimbo. yay me. But, I do get paid to blog, facebook stalk and play computer games. pretty sweet. I drink lots of coffee, smoke anytime I want (I mean, I don't smoke, I quit) and talk on the phone. So its prettty lazy. I just need a new one. Because.. I can do all of those things.. after work. I would rather do something productive.. and get paid more. lots more. Will I get that here? prolly not. I need to move to Hawaii. I prolly wouldnt get that there either... but its warm there. and pretty.. and you can wear grass skirts (the only time I have ever worn a grass skirt and gotten away with it was one of my themed birthday parties: "GI Joes and Barbie Hoes"... it was in March.. and it was cold in NY... I wore that damn skirt anyways!!! and froze my ass off.)


I am starving. Sometimes I wish I didn't have the strong desire to eat anything that is put in front of me... but I do. All the time. I eat, all the time. Because I am still young enough to not have any negative side effects.. I continue to eat all the time. So.. I am going to open this new jumbo bag of Hershey kisses.. and eat them. Another week of mass chocolate consumption.

John Mayer is gorgeous. I used to think he was ugly.. but then he got lots of tattoos.. has amazing hair.. is amazing on the guitar and I love the way he moves when he plays... plus his voice is hypnotic. Hes just perfect. I wonder how much it would cost to clone him. I need to work on that. Mr. Mayer, if you are reading this.. call me.

a good song
another good song
and another one
catching on to the theme today?
This was first Dan's song
This makes me love him more
and this makes me laugh
and this makes me laugh harder

Who would want to trun themselves into a cartoon?!?! I mean.. what fun is that?! Does your cartoon come on tv? does it talk to you? no, its just a drawing. Thats not really all that fun. Plus.. they are usually just an uglier version.. all distorted. a waste of time. Annnnnnnd its the computer.. its not anyone is sitting there drawing it.. soooo if you have done that.. stop it.

Didja know that Cosmo was first created as a "first-class family magazine" ? hahahahaha funny.

This was my horoscope today:
"Ever eaten an unripe pear? It's dry, tasteless and unyielding. Far better to let it sit on the tree and ripen. In other words, why be in such a rush? Your love life will pick up when it's good, ripe and ready." ---- hahahaha. ok. ok.


Thats all for this cold and boring hump day. Hope yo uare all having a fantastic day!
much love

for good measure
annnd because I can't help it

Tuesday

I have found that when I am in a good mood I am much more sarcastic. More rambling.. I have more to say and less of it makes sense. Which i Consider fun. Sooo a good thing. Today, my mood isn't bad. So lets see.

I'm pretty sure creepy massage therapist gave another happy ending today (gross). More and more I am hearing his clients ask me if I have let him give me a massage yet (ummmmm NO. NEVER) I always reply (with the biggest/fakest smile) "Nope, not yet" then they proceed to tell me that I should, I am missing out. ---he may be good... but I will pass. In a heart beat. I mean, creepy is his first name.. soooo am I the only one missing something?

THe bachelor was one last night. I think he gonna pick the one EVERYONE hates. ok, ok... so shes a person.. a huge bitch, but a person. Gia (one of my favorites) said that she deserves love like anyone else. Ummmm no, sorry, Gia but she does NOT. Shes a bitch. She deserves an ass hole. At least someone who will tell her parents that she is in fact NOT a princess.. and knock her off her high, imaginary white horse. Its disturbing. I want him to pick Tenly. Just because shes cute... and bubbly.. and so is he. They match. sooo OBVIOUSLY they are meant to be. DUH.

pIah news... I got TWO new dick pictures last night. Not one, but two. TWO. got that? TWO. All I have to say to that is (not really.. but play along) .. WHAT. THE. FUCK. When did he fall off the loony train? And when he did, was he with me? How did I miss it? Ok, I admit it .... he was good in bed. I may have been blind to his craziness...BUT like I said before.. dicks are NOT attractive. It doesn't make me miss him.. It doesn't make me miss sex with him.. It especially doesn't make me want to have phone sex with him. I makes me want to vomit and it makes me see why I won't go back to him. --He wants to give me another chance. Prove to him that I have changed. Wellll the only thing that has changed is that I am happier. What has not changed is that I can't stand him. So i don't really see where he thinks a relationship is going to work. Also.. he sends dick pictures. gross. If thats what I wanted.. I would cozy up in bed and sleep next to my computer with some porn. But I don't. Why? 1. I have a good imagination. 2. I DON'T THINK DICKS ARE SEXY (and porn is just too funny). Let me know if you need me to repeat number 2 again. I will. Just for you. Soooo all night.. I got texts from him trying to caox me into having phone sex with him (its hard to say no when you haven't had sex in a couple of months.. I mean, take what you can get, right? wrong. I mean... I do have standards.. haha)

Its almost time to go home. I am exhausted. I also spent two hours on the phone with my ex/friend, Dave. He might come see me next week. for two days. Hes gonna drive. from Florida, 18 hours. He must really like me. He also forewarned me not to let him drink too much so he won't hit on me. Thanks for the warning. =) It'll be nice to see him. Also, my prom date from high school is coming this weekend. He will be in Lexington and is gonna stop by for a night.. hang out, have a few beers... fun stuff. And then... my friend Joey is also going to fly down for a week to see me. YAY!!! they really do love me!!! Does it look bad that they are all guys? haha. But I was always like that.. I like guys.. girls are too bitchy.. and they can't drink. They also are ALWAYS worried about stupid shit.. like.. idk.. but stupid shit. Sooo I am not friends with many girls. We clash. Guys watch football, are sarcastic, have more fun and laugh more. Soooo I am mostly friends with guys because we have more in common. Have we had some issues because crushes got in the way? occasionally... but Im good at ignoring it.

My dad will be here SOON. really soon. Thats all I can say about that right now.

Ill post pictures of this past weekend soon.

My phone is dying.

I love skype

I also love chocolate. It took me a week to finish a jumbo size of hershey kisses.

I have a TON of laundry to put away tonight. ugh.

Its time to go home. Im gonna get more coffee... and go home. Then... try not to fall asleep.

gah

happy Tuesday... looking forward to the weekend. Who has influence over the calender and the importance of money.. because we need to talk. Jobs are overrated

Wendy's Lady

good song ... okay, now that thats out of the way...

Apparently.. I am a bad blogger. Not that I really care. My blogs never have much of a point.. or a focus.. but I don't really write in my blogs to gain followers or count comments or votes or whatever. It's for my purpose.. for my family/friend's entertainment.. for my emotional release.. etc. etc. Sooo if you don't like my blog, that is just fine and dandy. Will it ever get published to a book or win any (pretty meaningless) blogger awards... ABSOLUTELY NOT. but that's not why I started it, I don't lose sleep over it.

Guy with the girlfriend.. hmmm. Hes not back.. totally. He is "confused" blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.. He has comfort, a semi-sense of stability.. because he is with someone he is comfortable with, who loves him. HOWEVER, he does not REALLY want to be with her, he knows that he won't spend the rest of his life with her.. etc. etc. etc.. but he stays with her because he doesn't want to take a chance on breaking up with her for someone else (not saying that someone else is me) and then have it not work out.. and then not have a girlfriend. Well hell. I told him I was happy for him and to stay with his girlfriend. I feel bad for her tho. She has nooo idea (do they ever?) and he cheats on her alllll the time (not with me, thank god) soooo there that is. I still talk to him. We have known each other for forever and frankly, talking to him gives me something to do when I'm bored. It won't go beyond that. I won't let it. I feel that I am better than that.

Tomorrow, 5 o'clock, can't come soon enough. I am so ready for the weekend.. as I am sure we all are.

Anyone down for a black light party?! I sure am.

There is a woman who is $555k in student loan debt... so it can get worse!! much worse

American Idol chose their top 24. I like a lot of them. But I think some people were let go who shouldn't have been considering some of the people they let stay.. but I guess you need some kind of controversy. right?

Casey and I had Wendy's for lunch... This is what the cashier lady looked like....




Now.. I dont know if her eyes were blue... and her face wasn't that oval shaped... buuut.... notice her eye liner. I would also like to mention the man who ordered a "Coca-cola Classic" as his beverage of choice. Who says that?! hmm... I thought it was funny. Then again, I find most things funny that others do not. I also kinda like to pick on people... sorry. Maybe thats mean of me... but I Think some people need to actually look in the mirror... just sayin..



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^^^^^^^^^ That was yesterday, as in Thursday..

TODAY>>> !!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AUNT CARON !!!

surprise surprise!!! (good pictures of the upcoming weekend are on the way!

It is 10:15 in the morning. I have had a large coffee from Hardees... and I am about to refill with some more Jimbo office java. I am determined to not be soooo effin tired tonight.

I have been practically living with Casey for a week now. And for some reason.. We go to bed earlier, I wake up later.. and I am more and more tired every morning. gross. not happy about it. SO! I have decided to just drink MORE coffee.. good idea? I thought so too.

a great song

My job is sooooo boring.. I have become addicted to a game called "bouncing balls" I think part of the interest is the name... perverted mind, maybe so

HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!!
XOXOX

gross

I don't feel like doing a damn thing today. smoking and drinking coffee... well, thats the exception.. always. Other than bad habits.. I want to crawl back into bed and sleep. All day. I slept well last night too.. which confuses me. Blah.

I'm sick of cold weather and I'm sick of... well.. everything.. at least today. Reality is getting annoying.


In other news...
The boys are coming into town this weekend. YAY!! It's A. Caron's birthday on Friday and you knowww we have to celebrate it right!!

One of my good guy friends from NY is gonna come visit next month!!! He has moved to AZ.. and was gonna go home to see our friends... buuut hes gonna come see me instead. I updated him on pIah.. he agrees that not only is he psycho and a bit weird.. but I'm MUCH better off without him. Joey was one of pIah's friends when we started dating. Joey told me not to date pIah.. I should have listened. oh well. They aren't friends anymore.. thank God.

I really really really want another tattoo. I just can't justify spending the money on something that will make me look even more like a piece of paper with randoms drawings on it. we will see.

It's not a cheerful day.. sooo I'm just gonna leave it all at that and include some music that I am listening to.. because it makes me happy

Good song, weird video

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

PICTURES!!!

Some pictures to lighten the mood!!



Chloe Layne



My favorite child/new side kick




Twins new stalker/guys who is obsessed. But hey, he was cute


Cant forget to include one of my Twin and I!!!!

Why I Am Who I Am

John Mayer - "Free Fallin"

It is February 16, 2010. In other words.. My dad will be here in 19 days. Nervous, scared, excited.. are just a few words to describe my feelings about this future event.

Some of my history:

I met my biological father when I was seven (ironically, it has been about seven years since I have last seen him). We met at a family reunion. My mom, my younger brother and sister, my mom's friend and her two kids drove from NY to KY for a day and a half visit (it is an 18 hour trip) for a family reunion.

Upon arrival my seven year old self and my Twin immediately fell into our inseperable ways and he introduced me to "Uncle Ron." Uncle Ron is the favorite uncle. He's fun, entertaining and always coming up with cool stuff to do. I had gone over to my mom to tell her all about Uncle Ron and how he was my new, favorite uncle. I still remember the look she gave me. A look of sadness yet.. she found some humor in the whole situation. I was confused.

Some history leading up to this event:

Growing up, my brother's dad "raised" me. I say "raised" because he wasn't my father, I knew he wasn't and he made it clear he wasn't. But I loved him, he loved me.. to an extent. When asked where my dad was I would reply "I don't have one" which was always followed by a confused expression to which I would reply "well, I do have one but I don't know him. He lives in Texas." Good enough explanation for me. I never thought it was weird nor was I ever upset about it. It was just how it was. I knew his name was Ronnie and I knew he lived in Texas. I never put much more thought into it. I also never knew that my family in Kentucky were his family. They were just family I would visit during the summer months and I loved them, they loved me. I was seven.. that's just how things were, no explanation needed. I was more concerned with Cory and having fun.. playing Barbies and running in circles.. whatever seven year olds do.

back to the family reunion..

After telling my mom of my new found fascination with my "Uncle Ron" I was soon asked to go for a walk.. with Uncle Ron. We started to walk away from all of the commotion not saying a word to each other. I was just happy to be with Uncle Ron and happy that Uncle Ron wanted to go for a walk with ME. After a couple of minutes had passed and everyone was in the forgotten distance Uncle Ron asked me two questions. Two simple questions.. yet two questions where the events following those questions still feel like it all happened yesterday...

He first asked me where my dad was, to which I gave my usual response of "I don't have a dad." He then asked the usual question "You don't have a dad?!" to which I answered "Well I do but he lives in Texas, he's not here." Uncle Ron said, "I live in Texas" His response was.. nothing that registered. I just nodded and kept walking. He then asked me what my dads name was. I answered, "Ronnie" and he replied "My name is Ronnie." After that I knew. Those two facts matched themselves up with the only two things I knew about my father and I realized that Uncle Ron was my dad. So excited.. a few things were going through my head. I remember those thoughts..(I was walking with my dad. This was my dad. Uncle Ron is my dad? Oh my gosh. My dad. What should I say? This is my dad. I really do have a dad. UNCLE RON IS MY DAD!! CORY IS GONNA BE SO JEALOUS!!! ) I started to cry.

That is all I remember from that family reunion. After that I guess my parents talked about getting back together. But, that never happened. I didn't see him until the next summer.

Growing up I always pursued things my dad did. Hoping that if I did those things he would want to talk to me. I played the saxophone, painted even took a shop class to learn about the inside of a car. It never worked. When my brother or sister got mad at me, they would always say "well at least our dad WANTS us." It was always the thing that would make me stop dead in my tracks, stop arguing and just go to my room. My dad still never called, still never responded. But he was there. and the times when I did see him he would tell me that he wanted me to live with him, would apologize for not calling and would promise he would... that kept me hoping. Those empty promises kept me pacified. For the time being.

Visits with my dad were few and far between. Always during the summer, no longer than a week. He always promised to call, but never did. I always wrote, but never got a response. one summer, about 8 years ago, I was working at the shop when he called. I told him who it was on the other line but he was uninterested. It broke my heart. The next summer A. Tammy, Cory, A. Tammy's girlfriend and I all drove to Texas to take Dustin (my brother, dad's second child) home. When we got there my dad was drunk. Belligerent. Barely said two words to me. I was, again, heart broken. I felt uncomfortable. Cory faked a stomach ache and we went back to the hotel and dove for pennies that A. Tammy threw into the pool. We left the next morning.

I was a senior in high school when I found out my dad had cancer. He had been diagnosed some time before but nobody ever told me. Cory finally did tell me because he had felt bad that I didn't know.

My freshman year of college the man who adopted me (my sisters father) told me that his decision to adopt me was a mistake. Something my mom pushed him into. I haven't talked to him since. However, after that happened, I made the decision that I was going to do whatever I had to do to get my dad to talk to me. I wanted to know him. I wanted a relationship with him. I wanted.. a dad. My adopted father never was a dad. As I got older I said he was. But he wasn't... he knew that and treated me as I was.. A girl he adopted to please his wife. Nothing more. He paid his child support. I didn't have that dependable, only man a girl can trust. My dad never came to recitals or games.. never took pictures before a dance or asked to meet my boyfriends. I never had that. I had my mom... who tried to be both of those.. and while she did a great job.. I still didn't have my dad. The man who was supposed to know that I played the saxophone and had gotten in a car accident, who should have taken me to the hospital when I needed stitches, who should have grounded me for coming in two hours past curfew.. drunk, who should have been at my high school graduation, wiped my tears away when I got my heart broken, checked my report card, who should have taught me how to ride a bike and drive a car. Who should have been there. Or at least known.. or at the very least.. been interested.

So back to the present.. My dad is going to be here in 19 days. I haven't seen him since the night Cory had his awful stomach ache. for the past couple of years I have made it a point to call him.. but to never expect a call in return. There were a few times I was supposed to see him a in summers past.. but something always came up.. so his plans changed. I have gone from crying every time I get off the phone with him to just feeling like someone has punched me in the stomach... but every time I have some alcohol in me and someone asks me about it.. I can't stop crying. I have so many unanswered questions. I have so many.. "Why?" questions. I made the decision that when he visits I am going to ask him these questions. Try to put the resentment behind me and move on. Hopefully then we can build a relationship. Hopefully then I won't have to be the adult.. I can be the kid. I can get phone calls. I can get inquiring questions about what I am doing.. I won't have to tell him to try to get him interested... he just will be. I hope.

I hope... but I have my doubts. I am going to be 22 years old. Not old.. but old enough to know how a person should act. Old enough to know that not only do you take responsibility for your actions.. but you should never let your child go. You should never make someone feel the way my dad made me feel. unintentional or not.. it was wrong. I don't know if I can put that past me. 22 is not old. But it's a long time for a girl to go without a father, without a dad.


So a note to all of you who have kids... especially if your a dad...

Leaving, turning your shoulder, ignoring, leaving it up to mom, not asking questions.. its the worst thing you can do to a child. Sure your kid might end up okay.. might grow up with good morals and be smart. But there will ALWAYS be something missing. Something that can never be replaced. You will miss out on one of the greatest things life has to offer. Your child will miss out on one of the greatest things life has to offer... questions will instead be there. Doubt and guilt. By both parties. Nobody deserves that. I have grown up and my dad has missed it all. While I hope he would have been there if he could have been.. I don't believe it.

Hes gonna have another thing coming. I am excited, I'm scared and I'm nervous. I may have the opportunity I have wanted since I was seven years old.. to have a dad. However, after this trip, I can no longer be the adult. I can no longer make the phone calls. I can no longer allow myself to have my heart broken by the one man who is supposed to mend it.

it's been a while

I know, I know, I haven't written in a while. My apologies. Here is a brief summary of what has been going on:

-Nashville=fun.. as if there were any doubts. Hopefully, this next weekend, the boys will be in town for A. Caron's birthday.

-Casey has moved. woot! woot! lots of chaos and unpacking and grocery shopping... Sponge Bob.. barricading doors, police men, etc etc .. just your typical weekend

-I am still obsessed with Robin Thicke.

-Coffee sounds better when your trying not to drink it. Which causes me to drink more.. thus making my attempts to cut back not very good. Epic fail.

-Jimbo isn't here today. Because the year I decided to move somewhere it doesn't snow that often... it snows often.

-Valentines Day... hmmm. I spent it with Casey (not that I am complaining). Dude with the g/f oh so nicely made sure to wish me a "Happy Valentines Day, babe!" gag me. I wonder what kind of text his girlfriend got...

-My birthday is in three weeks!!

-I have been thinking about becoming a professional hot air balloon... pilot? what are they called anyways?! flyer? fire blower? hmmm.. either way.. thats what I wanna be.

-^^^not really

-o, happy Presidents Day

-My computer is fixed!!!! yay!!!

-My New Years resolution = no good. no shit.

-the snow needs to stop.. NOW.

-I'm hungry

-Skype.. bad news

-Theresa is moving in next door to A. Carons

-I love my mom.

-For forever I had no idea who Kara was on American Idol. I was pleasantly surprised! Shes a good song writer. her song "Terrified" is good.

-John Mayer gave a heart felt, emotional apology during his concert in Nashville (that I wish I went to). He cried.. and basically apologized for being a dick. I love him regardless. And can you please pay special attention to his aweesssooommmeee solo at the end. holy f'in shit.

-I also want another tattoo.

-I went over my 40 hour monthly listening limit on Pandora. its only the 15th. I can't listen to Pandora till March 1st. WTF. I don't wanna pay for it!! Sooo I have to look up music on youtube for a week. oh well.

-that is all I have for now. If I think of more.. I'll update. stay tuned. =)

phew

ITS FINALLY FRIDAY!!!! is anyone as excited as I am?!?!

Something that is spoiling my morning.. it shouldn't, but it has... I was just on the phone with a woman.. who told me her entire life story.. something I do not care about. She also told me about Richard's copy machine (I have no idea who Richard is) and how the paper feeder is broken.. so you have to manually feed the paper in to make copies.. which is a pain the ass when you have 20-30 papers to copy. She would go to Debbie's office to use their copy machine.. but she doesn't think they even have a paper feeder on theirs. Her copy machine is broken. The paper feeder keeps jamming up. She doesn't know why.. there isn't any paper in it. But it keeps getting jammed, so she doesn't even bother. She usually just sends stuff with her daughter, for her to do at work. She works right down the road from me. Ya know, that building with the weird tile in front of it? Well, thats where she works. And their copy machine is just about like the one here, but she doesn't think its the same brand. But it too has a paper feeder. So she thinks shes just gonna bring the stuff here to copy, so I can do it for her. It would be a lot easier that way. The work she was supposed to do for Jimbo, which I have already paid her for, well... she just hasn't gotten to it yet. Its ready, all she has to do is push a button. But its hard when you have three other people who want to use the computer. But its ready, just one button has to be pushed. She just has to make time to do it.

OH. MY. GOD. I sincerely hope I am not THAT boring when I am old. I mean, she talked for twenty minutes about damn copy machines. It was probably the most interesting conversation she has had in days.. hell hell hell.

Anyways! Its my brothers birthday on Saturday. For one whole month he will be ONE year younger than me.. I love him. Hes gonna be 20. And he is recovering from a very serious drinking problem. I am really proud of him. He gets mad whenever we go anywhere together.. because people automatically assume we are together. So girls won't hit on him (unless I go to the bathroom) and his friends are always like "dude, when did you get a girlfriend?" after he tells him its his sister, they usually stop talking to him and find an abnormal interest in whatever stupid thing I chose to talk about.. entertaining myself by seeing how long I can talk about the dumbest thing on Earth, yet still keep their attention. It pisses Kyle off, because then I always pick on him on the ride home about how stupid all of his friends are (but still, kinda cute).

So.. Yeah, NashVegas this weekend.. cant wait. Other than that... I've got nothin. No good Dear So and Sos so I'm gonna pass on those today.

HAVE A FANTASTIC WEEKEND!!!

Random Should Be My Middle Name

Why I like Wednesday:
::Its also known as "Hump Day." Even if the name is not meant to be perverted, I think it is funny.
::ONE DAY CLOSER TO FRIDAY!!
::American Idol is on, AGAIN
::I still have two days at work to complete things I have put off Monday and Tuesday

So the list isn't much bigger... but it's a helluva lot better than Tuesday. Thursday looks promising.. the list can only get bigger. Stay tuned.

Jimbo is still getting on my nerves. I don't expect it to stop either.... UGH

pIah is a dumb ass, enough said. And now.. I am using my old phone.. again. But not for long.

I went to bed early last night, woke up late this morning.. and I am still tired.

I have not seen my A. Caron in almost one week. weird.

I want a beer after work... but that is kinda hard when there isn't any.. at all.. at my house. blahh

I think I am going to go to bed early tonight too.. rest up for the weekend. done

Happy Hump Day!!

First RTT

I like Tuesday much better than Monday; for a couple of reasons..
1. It is one day closer to Friday
2. It is not Monday
3. American Idol is on

tomorrow, the list will be longer concerning the reasons I like Wednesday better than Monday and Tuesday. Something exciting for you to look forward to!!

I don't like rude people. I feel that there is no reason to be rude.. most of the time. I do not feel I am rude.. so I feel that there isn't much of a reason to be rude to me.. unless I have pissed you off... then be rude to me. by all means.. unless you are pissed about something stupid. Then don't.

I miss my mom. She has been my rock for the past couple of weeks.. and I appreciate her for that. She has a way of making me feel that everything will.. eventually.. be okay. I am having my doubts tho. Recently.. I can't seem to catch a break.

Anyone wanna move to Jamaica? Its warm, pretty and we can make a movie about a bobsled team. I think it'll be a big hit. Think about it.

Its Groundhogs day. There wasn't a shadow. Doesn't that mean that Spring is gonna come sooner? If only Mother Nature was that reliable. I have decided that she is not. at all. So we will see. Maybe she can make up for the crappy weather she has thrown at us. We can only hope. Keep your fingers crossed.

My New Years resolutions are not working out so well. So I am gonna start making monthly resolutions. My February resolution does NOT involve quitting smoking.

I eat like a four year old. Its true. I love peanut butter and jelly, macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, etc.. I eat all the time.. its like I am a 16 year old boy going through a growth spurt. I'll even make a bet that I can out-eat you. Yeah, its on. But... for some reason, I am losing weight. I think. I don't bother to get on a scale.. mostly because I don't own one.. but I just really don't care much. Sooo I am going by how I look to myself. Which is slimmer. It kinda makes me angry. I think super skinny girls are weird looking. Now, I know I am not fat. I don't complain about my weight.. or my imaginary fat rolls. I know I am lucky to have a high metabolism and good genes (thanks, mom and dad). I don't want to be skinnier. I don't want to look like I need a cheeseburger. Maybe I'll just start drinking heavy beer instead. Budweiser anyone?

I miss my dog.

I can't wait to go to Nashville. Celebrate Brady and Aleica's birthdays, see my Twin, get away for a couple days... but not long enough. I wish Friday came after Tuesday. My like list for Tueday would be much longer.

Go to this website.. its hilarious

I just choked on my coffee. I'm down to about two cups a day. Four tops. goooo meee!!!.. I'm getting my third now.

Here is a good song I just found on Pandora

Happy Groundhogs Day!!!

A Crazy Little Thing Called

ahhhh Monday.. correction.. uuuggghhh... its Monday. I'm ready to quit my job.. for the third week in a row. But I won't, because I refuse to... fail.. at dealing with Jimbo.. something nobody has been able to do. Soooo another week, more stress, less hair.. etc. This past weekend was pretty uneventful. Next weekend I will hopefully be going to Nashville for some MUCH needed Twin time. Other than that... no new news.

I didn't watch the Grammy's last night. Instead, I read a book. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. I cried.. three times. When I finished it.. as I always do when I read a book.. I start thinking. Damn you, mind of mine.. I don't like it. But, thinking about things is what I do best. Sometimes too much, sometimes to little... but most of the time, too much. Apparently, as I was told, it is because I am not ignorant. "Ignorance is bliss" ... tell me about it.

Nicholas Sparks is a good author. I don't read much intellectual text; mostly loves stories, some kind of drama... you get the jest.. Sparks is good for readers like me. Hes interesting, his stories are usually good and he has a way of story telling that makes the reader fall in love with the characters. I like reading his books because its an escape from my own melodramatic life and all that comes along with it. For a few hours I am learning about a character, I am entranced by their story and I am convinced that all is okay with the world. However, like I said, when I finish the book.. I think.

Love stories. Love stories are bad. They are entertaining to read and they let the imagination soar with possibilities.. but that's just the problem. Finding a love that lasts forever.. a love that goes beyond an emotional/physical connection and crosses over to a simple companionship (something my friend, Dave, and I talked about last night).. a bond where you love to hate the other person. A bond where no matter what, you are always there for each other. Through the good times and the bad... yet you still have the compassion and lust you had in the beginning, still never losing the emotional and physical connection we all experience in the beginning of relationships.. Finding something like that is one in a million. Not everyone finds it.. most of us are too naive to see it pass us by and others just aren't lucky enough. Some however, do find that once in a lifetime companion, the love of their life, someone who makes them a better person, a friend and a lover.. till the day they die. Those people are so lucky, so privileged, so smart.

Some devote their lives trying to find their one true love. Some settle for another they feel will "do" and some just.. settle down and never think twice about who it is with, they just know it was "time" and its what is just supposed to happen. There are also so many people who are influenced by their surroundings.. the majority of us go by what we are taught love is and who our surrounding influences want us to be matched with (someone smart, someone respected, someone wealthy, someone attractive, someone talented).. we forget, or never realize, what is important to us. We also try so hard to find that person, that fits everyone elses mold, we blindly ignore the screaming voice inside of us saying "don't do it, they're not the one!!!" We also tend to let our surrounding influences keep us from someone that is perfect... for us. Maybe not for everyone else.. but for us, for you, for me. Our parents, siblings, grandparents, all have ideas on what is best for us. They all have such strong influence over us, they cloud our true feelings and we forget what we know is best. We listen to those who claim to be smarter, more experienced and we listen to others instead of ourselves. We let others control our future.. without knowing it those who love us most hurt us the most.

These are some of the reasons why finding our once in a lifetime mate is so rare. Why so many people wonder "is there someone else out there?" why people cheat, get a divorce, distance themselves from their spouse and have questions for the rest of their lives.

I don't want that to happen to me. I am a romantic, through and through. I love, love. In my past I always changed for someone I cared about. Not big changes, but small changes so I would better fit that person. In the end they always ceased to exist in my small world and I was left with myself. The person who was me. Just me. No changes. Then the cycle would start all over again. I even convinced myself, at one point, that I was with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When we broke up, and he wanted me back.. I, for the first time ever, said no. I listened to my head, instead of my heart, and (for the most part) never looked back. For the first time I took a chance on being alone. On being single.. I decided that never again would I do something for someone else. Never again would I change for someone. I am me, take it or leave it. The one person who I have talked to since all of that (the pIah incident) is... lets just say.. emotionally unavailable.

I talked to him for two hours last night. He thinks that he will never get married and has never really wanted to. He is in a relationship with someone who he does not love.. but he doesn't hate and also doesn't want to hurt. He also doesn't want to get out of something that is comfortable and never changing to take a chance on something that could, eventually, hurt him. "Why take the chance, what is the point?" are his questions.. He thinks that if he was to get married, he would eventually just hurt that person because he does not think that he will ever find someone he will be devoted to for the rest of his life. He thinks that all marriages are going to end in divorce so there is no point in wasting the time. ..... He tells me this, yet I still talk to him. He intrigues me. I now know that I would not date him.. I am no longer interested in a relationship ... but I want to find out why. Why does he feel this way? It is so sad to me that he doesn't believe there is someone out there for him. That he is perfectly happy being.. just okay.. for the rest of his life. It's sad. It's heartbreaking.

Love is an undeniable feeling. Its something that hits you. It is also commonly mistaken for lust or for extreme like. I have done it, as well as 99.99% of the human population. I can't let myself listen to others.. and I commonly give that advice but fail to take it. I, like everyone else, can only be so lucky to find someone who erases all doubt. Who gives me no fear. Is it likely? Hopefully. But I, unlike my new friend, will not let the chance of being hurt or being let down keep me from continuously taking chances. However, I will not be taking those chances any time soon.

So... there us a small snippet of what I was thinking about last night. After I read. After I let myself be reminded of the rare possibilities. Its.. interesting... but then again, I fidn all of my thoughts interesting!! go figure. =)

Not so happy Monday!!

p.s. I want to hurt Jimbo... I am not fond of him.