John Mayer - "Free Fallin"
It is February 16, 2010. In other words.. My dad will be here in 19 days. Nervous, scared, excited.. are just a few words to describe my feelings about this future event.
Some of my history:
I met my biological father when I was seven (ironically, it has been about seven years since I have last seen him). We met at a family reunion. My mom, my younger brother and sister, my mom's friend and her two kids drove from NY to KY for a day and a half visit (it is an 18 hour trip) for a family reunion.
Upon arrival my seven year old self and my Twin immediately fell into our inseperable ways and he introduced me to "Uncle Ron." Uncle Ron is the favorite uncle. He's fun, entertaining and always coming up with cool stuff to do. I had gone over to my mom to tell her all about Uncle Ron and how he was my new, favorite uncle. I still remember the look she gave me. A look of sadness yet.. she found some humor in the whole situation. I was confused.
Some history leading up to this event:
Growing up, my brother's dad "raised" me. I say "raised" because he wasn't my father, I knew he wasn't and he made it clear he wasn't. But I loved him, he loved me.. to an extent. When asked where my dad was I would reply "I don't have one" which was always followed by a confused expression to which I would reply "well, I do have one but I don't know him. He lives in Texas." Good enough explanation for me. I never thought it was weird nor was I ever upset about it. It was just how it was. I knew his name was Ronnie and I knew he lived in Texas. I never put much more thought into it. I also never knew that my family in Kentucky were his family. They were just family I would visit during the summer months and I loved them, they loved me. I was seven.. that's just how things were, no explanation needed. I was more concerned with Cory and having fun.. playing Barbies and running in circles.. whatever seven year olds do.
back to the family reunion..
After telling my mom of my new found fascination with my "Uncle Ron" I was soon asked to go for a walk.. with Uncle Ron. We started to walk away from all of the commotion not saying a word to each other. I was just happy to be with Uncle Ron and happy that Uncle Ron wanted to go for a walk with ME. After a couple of minutes had passed and everyone was in the forgotten distance Uncle Ron asked me two questions. Two simple questions.. yet two questions where the events following those questions still feel like it all happened yesterday...
He first asked me where my dad was, to which I gave my usual response of "I don't have a dad." He then asked the usual question "You don't have a dad?!" to which I answered "Well I do but he lives in Texas, he's not here." Uncle Ron said, "I live in Texas" His response was.. nothing that registered. I just nodded and kept walking. He then asked me what my dads name was. I answered, "Ronnie" and he replied "My name is Ronnie." After that I knew. Those two facts matched themselves up with the only two things I knew about my father and I realized that Uncle Ron was my dad. So excited.. a few things were going through my head. I remember those thoughts..(I was walking with my dad. This was my dad. Uncle Ron is my dad? Oh my gosh. My dad. What should I say? This is my dad. I really do have a dad. UNCLE RON IS MY DAD!! CORY IS GONNA BE SO JEALOUS!!! ) I started to cry.
That is all I remember from that family reunion. After that I guess my parents talked about getting back together. But, that never happened. I didn't see him until the next summer.
Growing up I always pursued things my dad did. Hoping that if I did those things he would want to talk to me. I played the saxophone, painted even took a shop class to learn about the inside of a car. It never worked. When my brother or sister got mad at me, they would always say "well at least our dad WANTS us." It was always the thing that would make me stop dead in my tracks, stop arguing and just go to my room. My dad still never called, still never responded. But he was there. and the times when I did see him he would tell me that he wanted me to live with him, would apologize for not calling and would promise he would... that kept me hoping. Those empty promises kept me pacified. For the time being.
Visits with my dad were few and far between. Always during the summer, no longer than a week. He always promised to call, but never did. I always wrote, but never got a response. one summer, about 8 years ago, I was working at the shop when he called. I told him who it was on the other line but he was uninterested. It broke my heart. The next summer A. Tammy, Cory, A. Tammy's girlfriend and I all drove to Texas to take Dustin (my brother, dad's second child) home. When we got there my dad was drunk. Belligerent. Barely said two words to me. I was, again, heart broken. I felt uncomfortable. Cory faked a stomach ache and we went back to the hotel and dove for pennies that A. Tammy threw into the pool. We left the next morning.
I was a senior in high school when I found out my dad had cancer. He had been diagnosed some time before but nobody ever told me. Cory finally did tell me because he had felt bad that I didn't know.
My freshman year of college the man who adopted me (my sisters father) told me that his decision to adopt me was a mistake. Something my mom pushed him into. I haven't talked to him since. However, after that happened, I made the decision that I was going to do whatever I had to do to get my dad to talk to me. I wanted to know him. I wanted a relationship with him. I wanted.. a dad. My adopted father never was a dad. As I got older I said he was. But he wasn't... he knew that and treated me as I was.. A girl he adopted to please his wife. Nothing more. He paid his child support. I didn't have that dependable, only man a girl can trust. My dad never came to recitals or games.. never took pictures before a dance or asked to meet my boyfriends. I never had that. I had my mom... who tried to be both of those.. and while she did a great job.. I still didn't have my dad. The man who was supposed to know that I played the saxophone and had gotten in a car accident, who should have taken me to the hospital when I needed stitches, who should have grounded me for coming in two hours past curfew.. drunk, who should have been at my high school graduation, wiped my tears away when I got my heart broken, checked my report card, who should have taught me how to ride a bike and drive a car. Who should have been there. Or at least known.. or at the very least.. been interested.
So back to the present.. My dad is going to be here in 19 days. I haven't seen him since the night Cory had his awful stomach ache. for the past couple of years I have made it a point to call him.. but to never expect a call in return. There were a few times I was supposed to see him a in summers past.. but something always came up.. so his plans changed. I have gone from crying every time I get off the phone with him to just feeling like someone has punched me in the stomach... but every time I have some alcohol in me and someone asks me about it.. I can't stop crying. I have so many unanswered questions. I have so many.. "Why?" questions. I made the decision that when he visits I am going to ask him these questions. Try to put the resentment behind me and move on. Hopefully then we can build a relationship. Hopefully then I won't have to be the adult.. I can be the kid. I can get phone calls. I can get inquiring questions about what I am doing.. I won't have to tell him to try to get him interested... he just will be. I hope.
I hope... but I have my doubts. I am going to be 22 years old. Not old.. but old enough to know how a person should act. Old enough to know that not only do you take responsibility for your actions.. but you should never let your child go. You should never make someone feel the way my dad made me feel. unintentional or not.. it was wrong. I don't know if I can put that past me. 22 is not old. But it's a long time for a girl to go without a father, without a dad.
So a note to all of you who have kids... especially if your a dad...
Leaving, turning your shoulder, ignoring, leaving it up to mom, not asking questions.. its the worst thing you can do to a child. Sure your kid might end up okay.. might grow up with good morals and be smart. But there will ALWAYS be something missing. Something that can never be replaced. You will miss out on one of the greatest things life has to offer. Your child will miss out on one of the greatest things life has to offer... questions will instead be there. Doubt and guilt. By both parties. Nobody deserves that. I have grown up and my dad has missed it all. While I hope he would have been there if he could have been.. I don't believe it.
Hes gonna have another thing coming. I am excited, I'm scared and I'm nervous. I may have the opportunity I have wanted since I was seven years old.. to have a dad. However, after this trip, I can no longer be the adult. I can no longer make the phone calls. I can no longer allow myself to have my heart broken by the one man who is supposed to mend it.
No comments:
Post a Comment