Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

Happy Wednesday.

I think "Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday" is my new favorite topic.

Just a few updates.. (because I Haven't felt like blogging lately).. went Nashville.. partied with some of Casey's friends, drank too much, hit on ugly guys for free drinks.. Even got one of their numbers. Apparently (judging by his text) his name is Ben. I have it in my phone as "Some guy named Dan" How did I get Ben from Dan? Not sure. Maybe I was just labeling him as a d-bag because he looked like one, hence the name.. buuut I don't remember.

I just got done reading Chelsea Handlers new book "Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang". I LOVED it. The first chapter is all about her experience with discovering the wonderful world of masturbation. And her twisted love affair with herself, STUFFED to the brim with sexual satisfaction. I for one think it's wonderful that she discovered something that some women don't until their 40's. gross. Kind weird she was in third grade? yeah. But, who am I to judge? YOU GO, GIRL!

As for pouring my heart out.

I have felt an immense sense of.. loss at what to do lately. Dave, mentioned here, has told me that he wants to be with me. Which I have put a lot of thought into lately. We dated, as you know, and haven't had anything remotely close to anything more than a friendship in six years. NOW... its all coming to a new head.

This is what I know:
I know that Dave makes me laugh
I know that I can't stay mad at Dave
I know that Dave will forever be there for me
I know that I would be happy with Dave

so what am I waiting for?

WELL!!! I moved once for someone and look where that got me. I know hes gonna want me to move with him.. and I just don't know about all of that. Also, is it moving too fast? I don't know. But I am going to Florida on May first to drive back here on the second.. then he is going to visit for a few days.. then move to Tulsa. After that? I don't know. I know I miss Dave. I talk to him all of the time... and I can't wait to see him. I just don't know if I am ready for something so serious again. Dave says we are perfect.. What do I think? I'm just confused.

Then there is Drew. Drew who is tall dark and handsome, a nice guy.. good intentions. But not for me. Hes falling head over heels.. and I am standing upright with no intention of swaying.

Plus, I mean, we could be talking about the rest of my life. wtf. who does THAT!?!?! I guess I should be soon. uugghh. Its not bad, its not great. I hate being confused.



I went for my first workout in... two years? Not bad. I felt pretty good afterward.

I saw a lady walking her child today. Not walking with her child, but literally walking her child. as if it were a pet iguana. I hate it when people put their children on leashes. They are not pets! AND if you can't control your child while on a leisurely walk.. put it in a stroller, hold it, don't go for walks, or DON'T HAVE CHILDREN if you can't control a child to the point that it needs to be tethered to a rope. Do you start to feed your child out of a bowl off the floor because they make messes? no. Do you take your child outside to pee because it can't learn to use the toilet? no. Why? because they are kids, not dogs. Keep riding the tide, don't jump on the doggy owner wagon when you feel it is comfortable, then change your mind and decide that the breathing, crying thing that moves and came out of your vagina should start being treated like a HUMAN when you want it to shit in the big girl potty. If I was that child, I would pee on my mothers shoe. That's what she gets for treating me like Dido.

Excuse me while I go quit smoking... it's really doing wonders for my new workout attempts.

Dear So and So...

I'm gonna try this whole Dear So and So again..

Dear Jason Mraz,
I would like to invite you to a private show... in my room... ASAP. and when I say ASAP.. i mean get a private jet and fly here NOW!!! It is an emergency.. and it needs to happen. My life depends on it. Please extend an invite to Robin Thicke and John Mayer.

Thanks in advance, see ya soon
Ashley
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Dear Summer,
Where are you? Spring OBVIOUSLY isn't coming.. So I think you need to just take the bull by the horns, suck it up and show your pretty little sunshiney face! It would get a very warm welcome, I am sure of it.

hurry up,
Ashley
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Dear Mom,
I love you. I miss you.

your oldest, prettiest, favorite in the whole wide world, daughter,
Ashley Renea
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Dear pIah,
Thanks for not calling lately. It has really made life a little easier. I know you are going to New York to hang out with all of our old friends (whom hate me because I dated you)... but if you say ONE WORD about me, AT ALL and I get texts, phone calls, facebook messages.. ANYTHING mentioning that they heard ANYTHING about me.. your parents will start wondering where you are very soon. Pinky promise. O... and the girl you hooked up with last week? yeah... shes got an std. I heard it was herpes. Good luck with that shit. I guess I won't be getting any more dick pictures... breaks my heart, really. HAHAHAHA

I Sincerely don't like you,
Ashley
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Dear Coffee,
You're wonderful and you always treat me right. I love you for that. Buuut why do you have to be bad for me? I mean, why can't I drink a whole pot of you... and still be okay.. and NOT tear up my insides. So now, I have to see less of you.. and I miss you. Lets re-unite here in say..... three seconds.

Looking forward to it,
Ashley
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Dear Creepy Massage Therapist,

STOP getting into my desk. STOP creepily looking over my shoulder when I am on the computer and STOP telling me that smoking is bad for me. I KNOW!!! Besides, I think you are the LAST person to be giving anyone advice considering you sleep with ooo about 1/2 of your clients.. and I think one of them is a man. Does your wife know you like dressing up as a woman? just sayin'.

I'm concerned,
Ashley
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Dear Trash collectors,

Can you please go into my office in the morning and just empty the trash cans out for me? Because I threw a bunch of stuff away that Jimbo doesn't know about.. the trash cans are gettin' kinda heavy. I would really appreciate it. Feel free to wash the dishes in the sink too, they won't wash themselves, ya know!!!

I appreciate it,
Ashley
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Dear Jimbo,

I am not your personal assistant. I am supposed to do your office work. Not figuring out your phone bill or balancing your checking account. Also, I know I make a few mistakes, but everyone does. Just because I have a mis-communication about a damn filing fee, does not mean it is the end of the world! CHILL OUT!!! I deserve a raise. I mean, really. You are not an easy person to work for. Not only that, but your a dick head.

truth hurts,
Ashley

Top 3 Thursday

What are the Top 3 things you should have thrown away... like, yesterday?

I have realized that for some time now I have been obsolete in the blogging world. I am starting to feel like an outsider! Soooo I have found some people who have fun stuff to write about! I'm linking up and meeting new blog crazy friends! This Thursday you can have an exclusive, sneek peek into my "pack-rat" lifestyle.. even though I think calling myself a "pack-rat" is an over statement... I'm gonna run with it.

I'm gonna start off by saying.. I used to keep EVERYTHING. Then, when pIah and I moved to St. Louis, I got rid of a lot... making room for a new beginning (that and we lived in an apartment the size of a walk in closet for three months and there was no way all of our stuff would have fit. I didn't really have a choice). Then, we broke up and he managed to keep some of my things. Buut that's a whole story in and of itself. But my point is.. I don't have a whole lot of stuff that I need to get rid of.. I did it already.

However, there are always a few things I could rid myself of. Make my load a little lighter. None of these things are very much fun... like an old vibrator (gross), something that would be worth a few million buckaroos or a memoir from junior high (which I have and have NO intention of ridding myself of). BUT, there are a few things I could live without..

1. My Backstreet Boys cds. I mean... really. I was OBSESSED when I was.... 12? I think it's time. Buuut I guess I listen to them every now and then, when I need a cheesy pick me up and Nick Carter telling me alllll about bein a good girl and finding a bad boy... Now that I think about it, I blame them for my past relationship issues and why I was always choosing ass holes. Thanks a lot, Backstreet Boys!! jeeze. Like annnny of you know anything about being a "bad boy"... you were in a boy band, that doesn't exactly spell "bad" (even tho, its pretty close, but that's beside the point). You convinced me that I needed a "bad boy" I went and found.. oo a few.. and look where I am now. Tainted. ugh.

You're still fun to sing to... I still remember some of the corny dances my friends and I came up with at slumber parties. Back when a broken heart was the only bad thing that could happen. And when I say a broken heart.. you could acquire one in two ways.. 1. Your boyfriend holding another girls hand or 2. the guy you really really like telling you you're ugly. THAT was pure torture. We also refused to kiss boys. I mean, hell, they still had cooties and who kissed boys?!?! that was gross. We didn't even kiss our MOMS goodbye anymore. please. talk. to. the. hand.

So, Backstreet Boys.. I feel obligated to donate you to a cd store so a depressed, mis-understood, hormonal 12 year old can stumble across you and you can ruin their life too!!

2. My old track cleats. I LOVED them. I also liked track. I remember making my mom going and buying the best distance cleats she could find. They were my school colors (black, white and red) and everything!! I loved being able to put in my own spikes, take them out, replace them.. they were small and fitting and I felt like I was walking on water. The first day I wore them, I beat my pr by 15 seconds. I mean... they were MAGIC. so of course I had to keep them (I also have a pair of knee pads from volleyball that could go) as a memoir from the good 'ol days. Now they stink.. they are torn and well worn. I'll consider it.

3. My "favorite" pair of jeans. I got them when I was in 8th grade. I was the first person in my high school to wear holey jeans (such a trend-setter).. Well, they ripped so much that they still fit. But... they ripped so much.. I can't wear them anymore. They look ridiculous. I was still wearing them my Sophomore year in college as my party pants (mostly because they had a hole in the ass, and I thought that was cool/sexy. who was I kidding?!) and I fell (I'm sure I was sober) ripping my jeans all the way up the ass. BUT, I haven't been able to throw them away. They did last seven years tho. So I mean, the $95 my ex boyfriend paid for them.. was well worth it.

I guess that's all I can think of.

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Today is a dreary day. I hate it. Rain and I are not friends. I thought the saying went APRIL showers bring May flowers. So technically, it should not be raining right now. Doesn't the weather know it's still March?

Kentucky also plays tonight. In Syracuse.. 40 minutes away from where I live in NY. WHAT a coincidence! GO CATS!

I just had an AWESOME pb&j for lunch.

only one cup of coffee. and one cigarette. all day. I have decided to at least cut down on smoking. My mom quit and has been getting on me about quitting myself. I told my dad that last night.. he told me to tell my mom "kiss my ass, I'll quit when I'm ready"... thanks, dad. He's so supportive.

Friday is tomorrow. If you're not excited about it, you should be.

xoxox

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I have recently stumbled across a few blogs that I have found to be good reading. Shell, over at Things I Can't Say, has started a new Wednesday theme. The basic jest is to simply pour your heart out. Say something that has been bothering you, something that makes you happy. Something, anything that comes from the heart. Soooo I am participating. In the process I am also discovering more and more people in this small world who are just as interesting as I like to think I am. Overall, it is making for a work morning a tad less boring than usual.


I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly, basically, a little about EVERYTHING. My life. Where I am going and what I am doing. Reflecting on the bad decisions made and the friends I no longer have.

While this is something that upsets me.. I am trying my damnedest to move on and stop thinking about it. Yeah, I may have had some times in the past where I messed up, I wasn't a good friend.. but it happened. For some crazy reason, at one point in time, I went against my own moral code and did something or hurt someone I cared about. Apologies were made. But those friends never saw an apology as good enough. Which hurts but is also understandable.

This is the way I am trying to see it: People that I have upset were friends. However, if they were as good a friend as I believed.. they would know and understand that I am not a bad person. I have good intentions.. I just make mistakes sometimes.. and I don't try to deny it. I moved.. and I lost touch with almost everyone I talked to. Part my fault. Part theirs. I felt a huge amount of guilt about it for a while.. but friendship is not a one way street. I tend to over extend my hand, making up for the slack a person gives into a relationship. I can't anymore. I'm tired.

After moving.. and seeing family I haven't seen in.. wayyy too long... I have stumbled across some new friendships I wouldn't trade for the world. Most of the mare family.. some are significant others of my family members... either way.. they are all people who (in the short amount of time I have been here) have stuck by me in times that I messed up. I went against my moral code, I wasn't a good friend. But they are there. They love me.. they don't hold things against me. That is friendship. That is love. That is real.

In college and high school I had plenty of friends. More than I could ever want. But when I think about it... we got along so well because we partied. We got drunk and we laughed about our experiences with boys and laughed at each others drunken instances of making a complete fool out of ourselves. But when we were sober and when the humor of alcohol wore off.. all we were left with were headaches and clashing personalities. I was friends with people who constantly judged. Who constantly tried to make others feel inferior. I was judged, I felt like I wasn't good enough, I always had something to prove.

So while I miss some of those people and I am deeply, deeply sorry I hurt that at one point in time, I am not sad that we have lost touch. I am where I need to be. I am surrounded by some of the best friends a person can have, my family. I am growing, I am learning, I am becoming a better person. It isn't the past that I am learning from, it is my expectations and hopes for the future.


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Random Randomness:

There is a new/old guy. We will call him... .... ... I'll think of something later. I was talking to him when pIah and I broke up and after a little while he got on my nerves (like a lot of guys do). But recently, we have started talking again... and he hasn't bugged me. Hes kinda wearing on me. I like him because he is sweet. Hes also easy on the eyes, which is a huge plus. And when someone is always telling me how beautiful they think I am... I kiiiinda tend to want them around. Soooo he has stayed the night with me the past two nights.. and I don't hate it! so we will see where that goes. The good news is... he is single. About damn time I found one of those!

I reallllly need to hurry up and finish my degree. I also REALLY want a new job! Mine is so.. boring and repetitive.. and easy. Buuut.. its what I've got for now. So I GUESS I'll take it. ugh.

Dave wants me to move to Oklahoma with him. Tulsa, to be exact. In the fall. That's all I've got to say about that.

It get cold, freezing cold, then it gets warm... now it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow. WTF, Mother Nature?! Don't you see all of us... BEGGING for warm weather?!?!?! Keep it around, teasing is never liked by anyone.. at least when we are talking about the weather.

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!
xoxox

Lunch With God's Gift

Spring has sprung! I am absolutely reveling in this gorgeous weather. I love the warm seasons.

Casey and I had lunch with the Spanish interpreter from the court house today. You may remember my earlier post about her... buuut if not, I will remind you.
This woman loves herself more than dogs love sniffing ass'. I don't know how many times you have to tell someone how gorgeous you are before you are confident that they realize just how gorgeous every man in the whole entire world thinks you are... buuut this woman apparetnly thinks we need to be told approx. 20 times. And she doesn't just tell you, there is a full fledged, complete with details, story. A story allllll about this one guy/a couple of guys who hit on her. Like.... we care. A lot of it is our fault. I know that I especially laugh at her jokes, nod and say a lot of "mmhhmm's" sooo I'm baiting the shark. The man eating shark.
Don't get me wrong. She is very nice. She has good intentions. Shes just annoying. Its something to laugh about tho. And as mean as it may be, Casey and I have fun picking on her on the way back to work. So all works out.
It annoy me tho because some of her stories... that shit never happens to anyone.

Didja know I have NINE brothers and sisters?! thats right, NINE. and I am the oldest.. fyi

I think I am going to go outside and quit smoking.. so I can stand out in this weather!!!

Have a good day!!!
xoxo

An Irreplaceable Companion

I was talking to my good friend, Dave and he told me to write about him. I Never have anything in particular to say.. and our story (at least to us) is quite interesting. So I'll give it a go.

My story with Dave began my sophomore year of high school. But before my story with him I must mention my story with my first "real" boyfriend, Scott. Scott and I dated for some time.. before we dated he dated Jackie. While Scott and I dated, Dave dated Jackie. Well, as most high school relationships go.. Dave and Jackie broke up as did Scott and I. (short version of the Scott story)

After Scott and I broke up I was heartbroken, devastated, never thought I would find a "love" like we had again (please). Until Dave sent me an instant message. I didn't really know Dave. We went to small high school.. so I knew of him. But, he was a Senior so our paths seldom crossed. Dave asked me to go to a movie with him and his brother and I accepted (on our way to the movie theater, his brother asked me "If you had to eat a baby, would you want it to be warm or frozen?"... awkward). Sooo we went to the movies. Then we hung out at his house, some time passed.. and we started dating (Then Scott and Jackie got back together.. basically, we swapped. It was a running joke in high school).

We fell in love (This was our song). We had fun together, we rarely fought (mostly because he would smile at me every time I was mad.. which would in turn make me laugh.. ending any argument we were having) and we were happy.

The summer before my junior year of high school Dave got ready to move to Florida for college. We were bound and determined to make our relationship last. The night before he left we said our tearful goodbyes and parted ways.. not sure when we would be able to see each other again. Sorry to say, we didn't last. Not long after I started school again.. I couldn't take the distance. We started fighting, I missed him and it wasn't going to be very possible for us to see each other very often. So.. .I broke up with him. I was young. I was torn and I couldn't understand why I was with someone I only had phone conversations with. I still had two more years of school left.. while he was starting his adult life on his own. In the mean time I was still concerned about homecoming, gossip, who was dating who, and graduation. I had a lot of growing up to do.

Some time passed. Dave and I started talking.. and he moved back to New York to be with me. As soon as he moved back, I got confused. I had (to a certain extent) moved on. He got his own apartment in town.. and stayed for a little while. Waited for me. I just couldn't make up my mind. He eventually moved back to Florida.. and we went our separate ways and didn't talk to each other much at all. We had always stayed on good terms with one another.

Recently, when pIah and I broke up and I was allowed to talk to people of the opposite sex, Dave and I stated talking again. I talk to him about once a day.. usually more. There is never a dull moment. The best thing about him is: he thinks I'm funny (can't go wrong there) and he doesn't argue with me when I say I'm right.

Dave is a one of a kind person. He's honest, dependable, sweet, caring.. I could go on... buuut that would inflate his ego and I can't go doing that. He can make me laugh when I'm in the worst of moods.. He actually came and picked me up when I was in my first car accident. After I called my mom, I called him.. I'm not sure why I called him... but I did. He took me home.. drank all of my moms wine.. and hung out with me for the majority of the night. He flew to Rochester two winters ago for a night to see me... annd he's gonna be coming to KY to see me soon!!! (if he doesn't, I'll kill him).

I don't know that I will ever meet another person like Dave. I don't know that another person will ever know or love me the way Dave does. That's why we are getting married someday and moving to Oklahoma! I know our story is far from over. I still have a ton of drama to happen in my lifetime! he needs to be there for me!! and I couldn't imagine life without him. He's very close to my heart and I would never give the memories I have had with him for anything.

So, that is Dave and Belle, in a nut shell. A very small nut shell.

Silly Goose

^^^^^ Dandelions are my favorite flower. well, weed. Gerber daises are my favorite. Just a little fyi about myself.

I (obviously) LOVE Jason Mraz.. and while a perusing Youtube this morning (because I have exceeded my Pandora hours.. in the middle of the effin month) I stumbled across this. I love it. I find that when an artist gets into his music.. facial expressions, movements, etc... I like it more. And I love this one.

These commercials that the Bitches @ Bitchburg introduced me to are hilarious. Apparently you can't say vagina on t.v. ... whose idea was that?!?! Like them, I will also get this out of my system and go ahead and say VAGINA, VAGINA V-A-G-I-N-A a couple of times... I mean, I am not on t.v., right?! go ahead, be dirty. You know you want to.

UPDATE on pIah... After a couple of days he decided to tell me where he is getting all of his money (even tho it is none of my business and I am a bitch).. His parents are helping him. I guess they like him now that hes not living the the no-good, too independent American girl... who will just get a job and leave him to take care of the children and cooking and cleaning. I mean.. EVERYONE knows that women are supposed to stay at home all day and tend to their husbands, hand and foot. FUCK THAT SHIT!!! I have absolutely nothing wrong with any woman who decideds to stay home and take care of her family. I hope to be able to do it someday. However, at the time, pIah and I had an apartment, food to buy, school, lot of stuff to pay for. We both needed a job. And I sure as hell am not one to be told by pIah that hes thirsty.. and jump up, run to the fridge in lightning speed, read his mind and know what he wants.. and bring him his cold beverage on a silver platter. God gave us legs... I told him to get it himself. His mom didn't like that. oh well. Soooo apparently he was too embarrassed to tell me that his parents had bought him his car and pay his rent and send him money for food. soooo hes back to being nice again.. and hoping that someday I will give him another chance. ha.

I miss my dad

Double gets back today. sooooo herrreee we goo again.

There is a woman who survived the Holocaust who is now telling new stories about Anne Frank. I read The Diary of Anne Frank in high school and I became OBSESSED with learning about the Holocaust.... and as nice as it is that new stuff about Ms. Frank is coming out.. it reminds me of a funny story from college... My two best friends and I ALWAYS hung out at this house where four guys lived (and another one lived on the couch occasionally). We would go over there on Fridays and clean their house and make them dinner (to call it a "party house" is an understatement). In return, they would buy us beer for the weekend.. which we always spent at their house (My friend was dating one of the guys.. and I kinda was "talking" to another one). Well, they were...guys. They were always drunk.. always coming up with stupid shit to do to each other. The guy I was "talking" to.. decided that he was going to start sleeping in the attic and keep a diary. He was always drunk when he decided to do this.. buut he would. And he actually had a notebook he wrote in. I would literally wake up in the middle of the night.. think he was going to be next to me.. annnd he wasn't. He would get out of bed.. and CHOSE to sleep in the attic (which I guess I could have taken a small amount of offense to. I mean, he would literally prefer to sleep in a cold attic that had plywood on the floors covering the insulation.. plywood that he put there. But the guy had a twin sized bed, I wasn't too bothered by the fact that I didn't have to deal with his drunk ass. so it was a win-win). It was the middle of winter too, so it only lasted about two weeks.. until he got really sick and couldn't get out of bed for a week.. then caught the plague that I also caught.. then everyone else got.. blah blah blah. Sooo maybe not funny to you, but funny to me.

Listen to this too

Useless Ramling.. But At Least I Feel Better

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^What I am going to blame my random weight gain on!! :)

When something or someone irritates me (especially if it's something or someone I care about) I get sick to my stomach.. get in a bad mood.. basically.. I feel crappy. Because usually I have those feelings because something just isn't right.. that or I am being a bitch.

Here are a few things that are getting on my nerves this morning.

--pIah.. all of a sudden.. has an endless amount of money. He went from trying to take money from me to buying a new Mercedes, taking a two week trip to NY and wanting to treat me to a weekend together.. all so he can show just how much he misses me.

I had a relatively friendly conversation with him two nights ago. He apologized, we didnt argue.. then he asked me if he could come and see me for a weekend... I didn't answer him. Sooo today, he brings it up again.. I then ask him (very nicely) where he is getting all of this money.. and he tells me that it is none of my business and I am a bitch.. and hangs up on me... OK, I get the whole none of my business thing.. but I was genuinely worried.. because I hope hes not getting into drugs.. that's what got him shot before (I know, I am making him out to be a big winner). I mean, No, I do not want to be with him. Do I miss him sometimes? When I get SEVERELY lonely. buuuut for the most part, no. However, I did care about him, I did live with him, I had once planned to spend the rest of my life with him... so I do care. I don't have a stone heart.. and a tend to care about the well being of everyone.. even if they don't deserve it. So the fact that he won;t tell me bugs me.. and the fact that he honestly thinks that he is.. everything.. bugs me. I honestly hope he contracts an std.

---Okay.. because this person I have been talking to is seemingly going to be around for a while (at least a little bit) I'm gonna give him a name. I am going to call him "Double." Onnnly because if he happens to read this.. he wont figure out its him (even though that would make him a complete idiot)

Double is the guy who is unhappily in a relationship. He's been in this relationship for a couple 4 1/2 years... and knows he won't spend the rest of his life with her, and says he is not in love with her anymore. He does care about her and just KNOWS that when he breaks up with her she will be devastated. He is also afraid of losing her family. He doesn't want to break up with her and take the chance of being with someone else.. then have it not work out.. and be alone. He would rather, unhappily, be with someone he doesn't care about.

Double is most everything I am attracted to in a person. He's funny, in GOOD shape, good looking, sarcastic, kinda cocky, sweet, has some pretty sexy tattoos.. he was also my first kiss... annnnd when I oh so drunkenly made out with him over Christmas (I did NOT know he had a girlfriend)... I found out hes a pretty good effin kisser. We had talked about me coming to see him in Texas (where he is stationed) I was excited about it, all about it. Until he told me he had a girlfriend. Thennnn I wasn't okay with it (for some reasons I would rather not discuss. and some obvious ones). But I do talk to him. Not inappropriately, welll.... kinda. but not really. It's mostly on his part.

This is what bugs me about him this morning.. (I'm over the whole fact he has a girlfriend. I am a-okay just being friends with him. I have been for a long time.. no reason that should stop).. He has been texting me a lot lately. Telling me he misses me.. and asking me how he can make me happy. Tells me how much he cares about me, wants to be with me and wishes things were different... Here is how I feel about it... IT'S NOT LIKE HES FUCKING MARRIED!!!! I mean, he lives in Texas, she lives in NY... Shes also kinda.. weird. I've met her. I used to go to school with her. And if you don't love someone.. why stay with them?! that boggles my mind. mostly because I've done it and can't imagine doing it again. And if he likes me as much as he says he does... I mean... really...

Sooooooo My dilemma.. I like talking to him. A lot. I try very very hard not to cross that line. I refuse to go see him.. I am also ALWAYS completely honest with him.. and tell him when he is being inappropriate. But... I like him.. and it won't go away. And hes a dumb ass.

---Jimbo. enough said.

---This doesn't get on my nerves.. but I must admit.. it did a little at 3:30 this morning..

Casey's son, Nolan... A. Caron, a friend and I babysat last night while Jon and Casey went to a concert. Nolan slept with me.. because he is comfortable around me. and if he woke up in the middle of the night.. he would be okay. And he was... Buuut around 3:30 in the morning he woke up and couldnt be consoled. Soooo I put him into bed with me and he quickly fell back asleep. BUT... he tossed and turned.. VIOLENTLY... the rest of the night. He moans.. throws himself around, crys... and hes sleeping the whole time. UGH.

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Aside from that.. Everything is everything. Double is doing field training till Thursday.. so I won't be talking to him.. and I told pIah not to call me anymore.. and he hasn't. So I wonder how long this will last?! O... other guy who was interested... who has a girlfriend... is now gonna be a daddy soon!!! Well, good for him.

I am getting very sick of... people.. lately. I am also not happy with things that have negative health side-effects.. because I like them all. I have been quitting smoking since January.. its not going very well. Unless you count right now.. I'm not smoking now.. so i guess you could say its going very well.

hmmmmm... what else..

A New Season

I know, I know, it's been a while. Please forgive me. ...

What has been going on, you ask?! Let me fill you in. I apologize for letting you know how terribly freaked out I was about my dad coming.. then gave you no follow up. Again, sorry. But then again, I am not. My dad was here!!! I had no time.

Last Saturday (not this past Saturday, but the Saturday before then) my dad came to town. At 11:30 a.m. my uncle (Paw Steve) told us all that Uncle Ron would be in at about 3:00. So I thought to myself "okay, Ashley, you have about three hours to get your shit together and prepare for this momentous occasion". I was wrong. As I was going outside with Casey to quit smoking.. a car pulls into the drive way. I didn't know who it was.. I didn't have my glasses on (I am BLIND without my glasses) and just stared.. until Casey told me it was them.

WHAT?!?! It was only NOON!!!! NOT 3:00. I turned around.. made an excuse that I had to take a shower.. and went upstairs. I was just not ready. I didn't know what to say.. what to do.. how to act.. I was going to cry. I ran upstairs, started the shower.. almost got in with my clothes on. But then got in with my towel... and I started to cry. Holy shit. Fuck. He's here. Oh. My. God. WHAT am I going to do?!?!?! ---All this was gong through my head. My Twin came up and sat in the bathroom with me.. put on some good music.. and talked to me. I showered.. took my time.. and while I was waiting for T to get ready.. I freaked out on him and almost bit his head off. But I didn't. We eventually went downstairs. Outside. Rat had waited to go home so she could see the whole reunion. He didn't see me at first. He was busy convincing my little brother, Jimbo, that a monster lived in the basement.. that would bite his fingers off.. and tried to get him to go in and see. Jimbo didn't go in and see.. and my dad gave up, turning his head, and looking at me. I said "hi" we hugged and we sat down to quit smoking. (O.. and the night before.. I got HAMMERED and cried for about an hour to my cousin, Jon.. and basically had a mental breakdown).. Sooo everything was good. I met my two brothers and my sister (who had broken out in hives because she was so excited to see me). We spent the night cooking and drinking and hanging out. We sat out in the playroom and drank more beer.. and hung out more. I listed to my dad play the harmonica and tell stories from when he was younger. We talked a little about my mom.. but that was about it.

Monday, after work, My family threw a small surprise party for me. My favorite food, Spaghetti, a Barbie cake.. and.. a birthday present. The first gift I have EVER gotten from my dad. I was on the verge of crying the whole night because this was the first birthday I had ever spent with my father.. but then I opened his gift.. and the flood walls came crashing down. He had given me a painting he had done. A relatively bigger, framed, piece of glass that he had painted a picture on. and had given to me. I tried to hold back the tears.. but it didn't work. I cried, gave him a hug and thanked him. We then put all the kids to bed and drank MORE beer... I had the day off... sooo I drank a little more than I should have. We somehow got on the topic of our relationship.. and the second flood walls came crashing down.

I did not want to talk to my dad while we had been drinking. We are two peas in a pod when we are drunk.. I just didn't see it as a good idea. However, the topic came up and I started to cry. My A. Caron had to leave the room because she was going to cry.. and she gave us our time to talk. We didn't argue. I told him I wouldn't hold a grudge or yell at him. I said that I didn't want to focus on whose fault it was that I never saw him.. I just wanted him now. I wanted my dad. I wanted his support. I wanted him to know what was going on with me.. and to care. I wanted to talk to him, be able to turn to him.. I wanted to have, for the first time in my life, a dad. I wanted to get to know him and for him to get to know me. I wanted to be a part of his family. Be his daughter...who happens to look and act just like him. He promised he would be there. He apologized, I accepted, we hugged, we laughed, we drank more beer.

That conversation took such a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt like a different person. I had said everything I had wanted to.. and I had gotten everything off my chest. It was good. I had my dad.

The rest of the week went relatively quickly (except for the Wednesday night church service, which dragged on for three hours.. and not three hours of preaching.. three hours of listening to them talk about the money issues the church is having.. ugh).

My dad and I spent the last couple of nights hanging out, quitting smoking and cathcing up on as much as we could. He left on Friday morning... I'm still pretty bummed. However, he says hes going to be visiting again soon.. sooo its not too bad. At least I don't have to wait seven more years before I can see him.


Something that did happen... A. Caron told my dad about the dick pictures. uuuggghhh. Rat, A. Caron and I had decided the night before that we wouldn't tell him... buuut the secret slipped. And he now wants to hunt him down and make him disappear. I don't think I would mind too terribly much.

My Twin surprised me for my birthday. Buuut I kinda found out before he got there. Mainly because they thought they could trick me.. and I wouldn't notice that Jon's car was not at Casey's... soooo who else would have it?!?! Cory. duhhh. His birthday is in a couple weeks.. I'm pretty excited about that!!!

Thursday Should Be Part of the Weekend

It's Thursday. What does that mean?! nothing. Except that Friday is tomorrow. --big sigh--

My dad will be here in 2 days. Am I freakin' out?! more and more every single day. I wonder how much of seven years missed you can make up for in a week. I guess he is nervous too (my step-mom told my aunt thats what he told her). So that makes my nerves a little calmer. a little. He hasn't shaved in six months. Something my granddad is convinced he is doing because "of those drunks he hangs out with. You just know they sit around all day repeating themselves and telling stories"... ummm Granddad... you do that sober. hate to break it to you. But moral of that story is.. my dad is going to look like.. a cave man. wonderful.

My mom got me charms for my bracelet.. yay. They are on their way.

I LOVE this song
and Old Dan says this song describes me

I am tired. mentally. My birthday is also in five days. I'm sure the stress will pass at the exact moment I have my first birthday beer. Or any beer for that matter. They have been goin down quite nicely lately.

Casey and I are going to Wendy's again for lunch. Maybe we will run into the Wendy's lady!!! (I know, every lady who works there can be described as the "Wendy's lady"... but this particular one.. with the eye-liner.. I hope I see her) Maybe I'll get a picture.

hmmm what else is new?.... thinking... thinking... thinking...

My hair is straight for the first time in two weeks. I know, exciting.

Other than that.. I guess I don't have much to say. I know... dissappointing. I'm not doin very well today. Maybe it's because I am hungry... or... I "quit" smoking all morning (in other words, I am out of cigarettes) or I haven't had coffee today.. I think I'll do that now.

HAVE A GOOD DAY, DAMNIT!!!

RTT- a little bit of everything

Random Tuesday Thoughts: hold tight...

My coffee consumption has gone up.. a lot. I heard that apples give more energy than a cup of coffee.. buuut how does one apple compare to a pot of coffee? If there is no comparison, in coffee's favor, I'm sticking to coffee. Screw the healthy choice, I am not down for eating 12 apples in one day.. I am not a horse (nor do i resemble one..inside story..).

Nobody in this town uses their turning signals when they turn. I have personally seen about 30 cars almost get rear ended because they didn't use their turning signal.. and the car behind them doesn't realize anyone is going anywhere but straight. I failed my drivers test the first time because I didn't use my turning signal to pull away from the curb (that wasn't my only mistake. I have, however, improved since then.. we won't bring up BOTH my car accidents) so I tend to remember/notice things like turning signals. I mean... --gasp--someone could get hurt!!!

I can finally listen to Pandora Radio again.. since it is the beginning of the month.. I'm sure it won't last long.. and I'll be back to youtube every 3 and a half minutes... or how ever long a particular song takes to finish.

My good friend from high school.. who was also my prom date.. came to see me this weekend. It was nice seeing him!! he drove four hours from Lexington (where he was attending some horse training clinic) ... to hang out for.. a couple of hours.. then had to drive back to Lexington at 4:00a.m.... then back to NY after his second clinic.. and this was all after he had driven seven hours to get to Lexington. phew. he was tired.. . Buuut he got home safe and has a trip to the Florida keys coming up.. soooo I don't feel all that bad.. its a hell of a lot more relaxing than my upcoming weekend is gonna be (my dad.. ugh).

I will show you a few pics from high school... just because I wanna..


This was my prom date.. the one in the pink. He called to find out to color of my dress (stupid question) soo I made him wear a pink vest and tie. By the looks of it.. I could have showed him a thing or two on the dance floor..













This is my prom date's step brother and I. We lost Prom king and queen by two votes.. ..
See that big star thing in the back!?!? yeah, I had to build that. Because my dumb ass was on the prom committee... what an over achiever I was. Oh and the mats on the wall? Well thats because our prom is in our school's gym every year... yeah. the gym. Just so you can get an idea of how small my high school was... I will also include a picture of my graduating class...









YEP! that's all of us. I'm in the front with a skirt on (I got best dressed.. and I wore skirts every opportunity I got... which happened to be when it wasn't snowing). My high school boyfriend is the tool in the red.. sitting on someones shoulders. The guy in the green on someones shoulders.. yeah.. that was one of my high school boyfriends too. They were best friends. The girl in the vest.. also on someones shoulders.. was the guy in the reds ex... who was also (at one point) one of my best friends. Until she slept with the guy in the green. She's also the girl I got in my first and last fist fight with.. and she tried to run me over with her car at a hill party (where everyone sits outside around a bon-fire, listening to some guy un-impressively play the guitar, drinking beer and waiting for the sheriff (who smokes pot) to come break it up.. but he never does.. because we forgot.. hes not on duty that night!! (yeah, we had his schedule memorized) ) The girl in the vest and I are now friends. She dated my brother this past summer and now works at the same bank as my mom. There were no clicks.. just.. people. Who, for the most part, got along. Most are married, have kids or even divorced now. It was a small school.. it was normal to date your friend's ex... you just had to get over it. Everyone knew everyone. Everyone knew everyone's business, too. It was crazy. I loved it.. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. Every year everyone was supposed to get a copy of this picture. But.. see the guy on the far left on someone's shoulders?.. he was doing the shocker in every single picture taken.. the principal asked her step daughter what that meant, her step daughter told her.. and that guy got suspended.

Enough of that!!

All last weekend.. I helped my aunt move furniture.. and clean.. and paint.. My lack of exercise is showing.. because I am physically exhausted.. and my muscles hurt yesterday. I need to start running again. GOOD THING I QUIT SMOKING!! hahaha

Howa bout that bachelor last night?!?! Why the hell did he pick Vienna?! I mean.. sure.. she too deserves a great guy. But i mean.. shes nuts. And he says she is "incredibly sexy".. I disagree. I think shes very ugly.. and closely resembles a cave woman. But that's just me. Ali is the new bachelorette. which is awesome. I loved her. Shes gorgeous and has a ton of personality. So, YOU GO, GIRL!!! And howa bout Tenly?! She's so adorable!! She took that whole experience and heart break so gracefully... actually thanked him for giving her her confidence back and showing her there were actually good guys out there (I have yet to believe that)... She should be the next next bachelorette.

My dad will be here in four and a half days. UGH. I wish ppl would stop asking me if I am excited. I'm not.. and I feel guilty about it. I could pee my pants just thinking about it (not really... but really).


I hate my job and I did NOT want to wake up this morning.

Thats all I have for today. Hope you all have a good Tuesday!!