The Stars are SO Smart!!

This was my daily horoscope...

"Something you really want to do, and may, in fact, be "fired up" about, Pisces, is not likely to materialize if you take action today. You have to change plans or schedule to make this move in the first place, and maybe you shouldn't be doing that. The main astrological indicator shows that there will be a surprise change of direction, plans or mind that will spoil or stop the entire thing. If you just give it a couple of days, astrological conditions will be quite different and you will have success with this new adventure of yours."

wonder what that means?

A Little Bit of Everything

Sitting here at work I have a lot of things to think about and not enough to do. I basically get paid to blog and peruse Facebook (something I am NOT complaining about). While I am doing all of this and trying to figure out what my boss, Jim, is trying to tell me from across the hall... in a muffled voice.. that elephants wouldn't be able to hear... I listen to music. I have fallen in love with Sara Bareilles. Dave Matthews Band is, of course, a favorite. John Mayer, Howie Day, Maroon 5. I would recommend going to Pandora... and making a radio station of Sara Bareilles (Thank you Old Dan for turning me onto Pandora, it is a lifesaver!!!). There is so much music.. that hits the perfect spot. I find myself thinking, quite often.."This is my life". Then of course, I have to listen to it about 50 more times (I cant sing at work tho, no fun at all)

just a little side note to Old Dan... because you said it was weird I mentioned you.. "Come Back To Bed" is playing right now... hahaha makes me think of you.. Lucky dog!! =)

Any who... Today is a very dreary day. Rain.. lots of it. I decided to wear boots that could pass as house shoes (I'm sick of wearing heels all the time) and my feet got wet... oh well. I look like hell today too. I usually get up and give myself enough time to shower, get ready and eat breakfast.. and drink some coffee with my Granny and Granddad. Not this morning. As I mentioned before.. I was running a little late. It happens. Its frustrating getting ready everyday lately. ALL/MOST of my clothes are in Saint Louis. Along with my shoes, jewelry, bags... I could go on, but I wont. And my very thoughtful ex has packed it all up and placed in what was once my livingroom (how thoughtful of him. I wonder what his hoe of the night thinks when she walks in a sees a bunch of boxes all over.. and an apt decorated like a girl spewed her girlyness all over it. Shes prolly too drunk to tell anyways.. and even if she wasn't.. she prolly doesn't care). <<>

Because of all these past events.. and life changing happenings... I decided I am either A: going to become a lesbian or B: going to be single for so long.. when I'm ready to date.. Ill be too old.. and wont be able to walk by myself.

I am using this as a way for my family to see what I am up to, Spill my guts about something/ someone.. and not have to say it out loud.. and just... have something to do. I'm weak when it comes to telling ppl things. At least when I'm upset about it, or I know I'm going to cry. Hence the whole Dad issue. I hate hurting someones feelings.. or getting someone upset with me. Its the worst feeling in the world. To know that your have disappointed someone. So.. hopefully.. whoever does read this.. can enjoy it!

I'm working on myself now. The opportunity has hit me in the face pretty hard so i might as well take it.. instead of passing it by... like I usually do. I'm very good at doing things... even though I know I should not do them. SO! this time.. I'm going to do what I know I should do..

I decided to put a picture of my cousin and I on here. Hes great and I love him. Hes going through a lot of what I am... and in a lot of ways.. a lot worse. He can easily be categorized as someone to look up to. He is being so strong in what is by far the most difficult time in his life. A lot is changing for both of us. I'm thinking about him.. and just want him to know that. And remember.. that everyone is thinking about him!! He is my best friend. I actually cant wait for this weekend. For the first time in a long time I get to go out with people my age, dance, have fun, drink.. and not worry about a jealous boyfriend who will try to beat up anyone who asks my name (yes, that has happened. New Dan was quite the guy).

Well... I'm going to try to find something productive to do. Time is managing to go by slow.. which is VERY annoying

My Halloween Costume

Just a little piece of Halloween news... Andy Comer had a few Halloween ideas online.. I borrowed one. I am going to be......let the intensity build.....

......


God's Gift to Men !!!---Tie a bow around me... thats about it. Then I have an excuse to dress like a whore and go out too.. without looking like an idiot in a mobster costume or a 3T skirt from target, trying to pass as a balarina!!! ... the best part is... It wont cost anything!!! I think Jon's birthday (my cousin who is turning 31. Last time I went out with him... I got kicked out of a gay bar for being too drunk.. oops) is gonna turn out to be more fun than I thought.

There we also a couple of other good ideas I found.. It seems that the most popluar idea online is being Kate Gosslin... she makes me sick. Why would anyone wanna go out looking like a bitchy lesbian with 8 kids and awful hair. With her attitude... it would be impossible to have a good time!! Then there were a few others... like being that other crazy chick with 8 kids.. and a Texan tourist and then..(a good one) the Balloon Boy.. (That whole hoax about the little boy floating away in a balloon.. which after you think about... is so stupid, I cant believe so many people were actually watching the coverage on tv).

In the Past, for Halloween... I went to parties.. or school mixers... One particular one started out awful... and ended kinda shitty too... but didnt have a bad middle. Then the Halloween last year resulted in a huge conflict that contributed to the Old Dan and I breaking up. Sooooo hopefully... Halloween will turn out to be a positive experience. Old Dan free... no offence Sparky, I love you!!

Fun Nights... Tired Mornings

This morning, at 9:24 a.m., I am just getting into work. an hour past my usual time. No big deal? maybe not for you... but for me... this morning has sucked so far!!

Last night I spent the night with my Aunt and her best friend, Rat. (I asked her where "Rat" came from once... apparently its better than being called "mouse"... so there ya go). After work I got to see my second cousin, Chloe.. who is ADORABLE.. to say the least. And had a much needed beer. The nights conversations went through the usual gossip and family drama... then... my dad came up in conversation. UUGGHHH. I love my dad. I didn't get to see him much when I was growing up because hes always lived in Texas. I lived with my mom in New York... calling men "Dad" who really didn't think I was anything more than a bratty teenager (which i was, but that is beside the point) and always in the way. I never had a daddy. I tried so hard to do things to make him proud, hoping he would talk to me, pay attention to me, something... anything. But he never did. It wasn't until I found out (about two years too late) that he had cancer. Thats when I decided I needed to do something, I didn't want to have a father I hardly knew and no time to get to know him. Soooo... needless to say.. I cry every time I talk to him. I try to tell him how I feel... but hes not the easiest person to have "heart to hearts" with. After my conversation about the weather (it bugs me that every time a person feels uncomfortable with a conversation, they bring up the weather. the two people talking... feeling stupid for even being on the phone.. have a pointless conversation about if its going to rain tomorrow instead of saying what they really want to say.. in my case its "Why did you let some loser guy adopt me") I hung up the phone and tried to convince myself (with some help from Aunt Caron and Rat) that calling him back would be a good idea. I needed to get some things off my chest and it was better to do it now than wait until he came in March. I do want to talk to him... but part of me doesn't. Part of me wants to be stubborn and tell him that its his turn to try. But, if i do that, Ill get nowhere.

The night went on and we went to bed. 7:00 came WAY to early. After walking to work in the rain I realized I left my keys at my aunts the night before.. right before that much needed beer. So, my boss had to come let me in the building. This morning, I can hardly keep my eyes open!! And to top it all off, I'm trying to balance a check book... which a crazy, annoying woman, who worked here before me, didn't do. So wish me luck! <3

A New Season

The past six months have been such a roller-coaster ride.. its a wonder I haven't puked!! (gross). Anyways! I thought I met... who could maybe, eventually be.. someone I could fall in love with. Dan wasn't perfect.. buuut he was a good kisser (among other things) and tolerable. But I found myself thinking about what could have been with other guys I've dated in the past. Esp. my ex, Who is also conveniently named Dan. The "Old Dan," as my family calls him; who was and still is my best friend.--just a little piece of info that may come up later... So this "New Dan" was nice. He cared about me. But then came the weekend from hell when his mom.. who didn't speak English.. came to visit... and hated me (crazy). So we fought a lot.. and New Dan decided he wasn't happy... and I moved to Kentucky, in with my Grandparents. I am, needless Daisy and I, August 2009

to say, upset. I left my home in NY, my friends, job, family... everything.. to move to St. Louis with this "New Dan." Then he kicks me out and takes my dog (Daisy Mae =( ). Well, now starts my "New Season".. as my Granddad would put it. I have a new job, nice room... and I am around family who were seldom seen.. due to a complete different and complex story. Last night I found myself thinking about the past.. which I should not do but I dont listen to myself and do it anyways. Then I found this quote:

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present." ~Jan Glidewell.

Also, after talking to Old Dan, I decided I need to be a lot less self conscious. I'm always thinking too much.. and ALWAYS going by what my heart is telling me to do (which inevitably means I am someone who cries an awful lot). But while I know I need to move on (I mean, New Dan wasnt right for me... because of so many reasons.. He pressured me to do stuff, was always complaining about my fowl moods instead of being my shoulder to cry on, chewed tobacco, my mom didnt like him... the list goes on) But I miss what we had... He made me laugh a lot, we had our dog, he was a good cuddler, we had an apt. and plans for the future. I was comforted knowing I didn't have to worry about who I was going to spend my life with.. I already knew. I think thats what upsets me the most.. He said so many things and made so many promises. EVERYONE told me it wouldnt last and he would end up breaking my heart.. but I put my trust in him.. gave up some friends.. and gave him the benefit of the doubt. UUGGHH.
So today I am going to My aunts.. hanging out with her all week because her husband is out of town. I miss my mom and wish she could be here. Shes my best friend.. and she always knows what to say to get me in a right frame of mine.. and a good way of thinking. I'm afraid that when Christmas comes, I'm not going to be able to see her because Ill have to go to school (for massage therapy) and wont be able to miss class.
Lots going on. Lots have changed. I'm so stressed and I am sick of thinking that not being with New Dan is going to be a mistake. He really did care about me. He treated me right.. for the most part. Its crazy how things change and how people change. It is especially crazy how one night a promise can be made that effects your entire life. In a matter of an hour, those once important promises are thrown away, endless amounts of tears are shed, the rest of your life is not what you thought it would be and your boyfriend goes to spend a day of shopping with his devil mother... and I'm left trying to find a new life... starting a new season.... maybe this one will be my favorite!!-- Something to look forward to.