A New Season

The past six months have been such a roller-coaster ride.. its a wonder I haven't puked!! (gross). Anyways! I thought I met... who could maybe, eventually be.. someone I could fall in love with. Dan wasn't perfect.. buuut he was a good kisser (among other things) and tolerable. But I found myself thinking about what could have been with other guys I've dated in the past. Esp. my ex, Who is also conveniently named Dan. The "Old Dan," as my family calls him; who was and still is my best friend.--just a little piece of info that may come up later... So this "New Dan" was nice. He cared about me. But then came the weekend from hell when his mom.. who didn't speak English.. came to visit... and hated me (crazy). So we fought a lot.. and New Dan decided he wasn't happy... and I moved to Kentucky, in with my Grandparents. I am, needless Daisy and I, August 2009

to say, upset. I left my home in NY, my friends, job, family... everything.. to move to St. Louis with this "New Dan." Then he kicks me out and takes my dog (Daisy Mae =( ). Well, now starts my "New Season".. as my Granddad would put it. I have a new job, nice room... and I am around family who were seldom seen.. due to a complete different and complex story. Last night I found myself thinking about the past.. which I should not do but I dont listen to myself and do it anyways. Then I found this quote:

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present." ~Jan Glidewell.

Also, after talking to Old Dan, I decided I need to be a lot less self conscious. I'm always thinking too much.. and ALWAYS going by what my heart is telling me to do (which inevitably means I am someone who cries an awful lot). But while I know I need to move on (I mean, New Dan wasnt right for me... because of so many reasons.. He pressured me to do stuff, was always complaining about my fowl moods instead of being my shoulder to cry on, chewed tobacco, my mom didnt like him... the list goes on) But I miss what we had... He made me laugh a lot, we had our dog, he was a good cuddler, we had an apt. and plans for the future. I was comforted knowing I didn't have to worry about who I was going to spend my life with.. I already knew. I think thats what upsets me the most.. He said so many things and made so many promises. EVERYONE told me it wouldnt last and he would end up breaking my heart.. but I put my trust in him.. gave up some friends.. and gave him the benefit of the doubt. UUGGHH.
So today I am going to My aunts.. hanging out with her all week because her husband is out of town. I miss my mom and wish she could be here. Shes my best friend.. and she always knows what to say to get me in a right frame of mine.. and a good way of thinking. I'm afraid that when Christmas comes, I'm not going to be able to see her because Ill have to go to school (for massage therapy) and wont be able to miss class.
Lots going on. Lots have changed. I'm so stressed and I am sick of thinking that not being with New Dan is going to be a mistake. He really did care about me. He treated me right.. for the most part. Its crazy how things change and how people change. It is especially crazy how one night a promise can be made that effects your entire life. In a matter of an hour, those once important promises are thrown away, endless amounts of tears are shed, the rest of your life is not what you thought it would be and your boyfriend goes to spend a day of shopping with his devil mother... and I'm left trying to find a new life... starting a new season.... maybe this one will be my favorite!!-- Something to look forward to.