ahhhh Monday.. correction.. uuuggghhh... its Monday. I'm ready to quit my job.. for the third week in a row. But I won't, because I refuse to... fail.. at dealing with Jimbo.. something nobody has been able to do. Soooo another week, more stress, less hair.. etc. This past weekend was pretty uneventful. Next weekend I will hopefully be going to Nashville for some MUCH needed Twin time. Other than that... no new news.
I didn't watch the Grammy's last night. Instead, I read a book. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks. I cried.. three times. When I finished it.. as I always do when I read a book.. I start thinking. Damn you, mind of mine.. I don't like it. But, thinking about things is what I do best. Sometimes too much, sometimes to little... but most of the time, too much. Apparently, as I was told, it is because I am not ignorant. "Ignorance is bliss" ... tell me about it.
Nicholas Sparks is a good author. I don't read much intellectual text; mostly loves stories, some kind of drama... you get the jest.. Sparks is good for readers like me. Hes interesting, his stories are usually good and he has a way of story telling that makes the reader fall in love with the characters. I like reading his books because its an escape from my own melodramatic life and all that comes along with it. For a few hours I am learning about a character, I am entranced by their story and I am convinced that all is okay with the world. However, like I said, when I finish the book.. I think.
Love stories. Love stories are bad. They are entertaining to read and they let the imagination soar with possibilities.. but that's just the problem. Finding a love that lasts forever.. a love that goes beyond an emotional/physical connection and crosses over to a simple companionship (something my friend, Dave, and I talked about last night).. a bond where you love to hate the other person. A bond where no matter what, you are always there for each other. Through the good times and the bad... yet you still have the compassion and lust you had in the beginning, still never losing the emotional and physical connection we all experience in the beginning of relationships.. Finding something like that is one in a million. Not everyone finds it.. most of us are too naive to see it pass us by and others just aren't lucky enough. Some however, do find that once in a lifetime companion, the love of their life, someone who makes them a better person, a friend and a lover.. till the day they die. Those people are so lucky, so privileged, so smart.
Some devote their lives trying to find their one true love. Some settle for another they feel will "do" and some just.. settle down and never think twice about who it is with, they just know it was "time" and its what is just supposed to happen. There are also so many people who are influenced by their surroundings.. the majority of us go by what we are taught love is and who our surrounding influences want us to be matched with (someone smart, someone respected, someone wealthy, someone attractive, someone talented).. we forget, or never realize, what is important to us. We also try so hard to find that person, that fits everyone elses mold, we blindly ignore the screaming voice inside of us saying "don't do it, they're not the one!!!" We also tend to let our surrounding influences keep us from someone that is perfect... for us. Maybe not for everyone else.. but for us, for you, for me. Our parents, siblings, grandparents, all have ideas on what is best for us. They all have such strong influence over us, they cloud our true feelings and we forget what we know is best. We listen to those who claim to be smarter, more experienced and we listen to others instead of ourselves. We let others control our future.. without knowing it those who love us most hurt us the most.
These are some of the reasons why finding our once in a lifetime mate is so rare. Why so many people wonder "is there someone else out there?" why people cheat, get a divorce, distance themselves from their spouse and have questions for the rest of their lives.
I don't want that to happen to me. I am a romantic, through and through. I love, love. In my past I always changed for someone I cared about. Not big changes, but small changes so I would better fit that person. In the end they always ceased to exist in my small world and I was left with myself. The person who was me. Just me. No changes. Then the cycle would start all over again. I even convinced myself, at one point, that I was with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. When we broke up, and he wanted me back.. I, for the first time ever, said no. I listened to my head, instead of my heart, and (for the most part) never looked back. For the first time I took a chance on being alone. On being single.. I decided that never again would I do something for someone else. Never again would I change for someone. I am me, take it or leave it. The one person who I have talked to since all of that (the pIah incident) is... lets just say.. emotionally unavailable.
I talked to him for two hours last night. He thinks that he will never get married and has never really wanted to. He is in a relationship with someone who he does not love.. but he doesn't hate and also doesn't want to hurt. He also doesn't want to get out of something that is comfortable and never changing to take a chance on something that could, eventually, hurt him. "Why take the chance, what is the point?" are his questions.. He thinks that if he was to get married, he would eventually just hurt that person because he does not think that he will ever find someone he will be devoted to for the rest of his life. He thinks that all marriages are going to end in divorce so there is no point in wasting the time. ..... He tells me this, yet I still talk to him. He intrigues me. I now know that I would not date him.. I am no longer interested in a relationship ... but I want to find out why. Why does he feel this way? It is so sad to me that he doesn't believe there is someone out there for him. That he is perfectly happy being.. just okay.. for the rest of his life. It's sad. It's heartbreaking.
Love is an undeniable feeling. Its something that hits you. It is also commonly mistaken for lust or for extreme like. I have done it, as well as 99.99% of the human population. I can't let myself listen to others.. and I commonly give that advice but fail to take it. I, like everyone else, can only be so lucky to find someone who erases all doubt. Who gives me no fear. Is it likely? Hopefully. But I, unlike my new friend, will not let the chance of being hurt or being let down keep me from continuously taking chances. However, I will not be taking those chances any time soon.
So... there us a small snippet of what I was thinking about last night. After I read. After I let myself be reminded of the rare possibilities. Its.. interesting... but then again, I fidn all of my thoughts interesting!! go figure. =)
Not so happy Monday!!
p.s. I want to hurt Jimbo... I am not fond of him.
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