Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I have recently stumbled across a few blogs that I have found to be good reading. Shell, over at Things I Can't Say, has started a new Wednesday theme. The basic jest is to simply pour your heart out. Say something that has been bothering you, something that makes you happy. Something, anything that comes from the heart. Soooo I am participating. In the process I am also discovering more and more people in this small world who are just as interesting as I like to think I am. Overall, it is making for a work morning a tad less boring than usual.


I have been thinking a lot lately. Mostly, basically, a little about EVERYTHING. My life. Where I am going and what I am doing. Reflecting on the bad decisions made and the friends I no longer have.

While this is something that upsets me.. I am trying my damnedest to move on and stop thinking about it. Yeah, I may have had some times in the past where I messed up, I wasn't a good friend.. but it happened. For some crazy reason, at one point in time, I went against my own moral code and did something or hurt someone I cared about. Apologies were made. But those friends never saw an apology as good enough. Which hurts but is also understandable.

This is the way I am trying to see it: People that I have upset were friends. However, if they were as good a friend as I believed.. they would know and understand that I am not a bad person. I have good intentions.. I just make mistakes sometimes.. and I don't try to deny it. I moved.. and I lost touch with almost everyone I talked to. Part my fault. Part theirs. I felt a huge amount of guilt about it for a while.. but friendship is not a one way street. I tend to over extend my hand, making up for the slack a person gives into a relationship. I can't anymore. I'm tired.

After moving.. and seeing family I haven't seen in.. wayyy too long... I have stumbled across some new friendships I wouldn't trade for the world. Most of the mare family.. some are significant others of my family members... either way.. they are all people who (in the short amount of time I have been here) have stuck by me in times that I messed up. I went against my moral code, I wasn't a good friend. But they are there. They love me.. they don't hold things against me. That is friendship. That is love. That is real.

In college and high school I had plenty of friends. More than I could ever want. But when I think about it... we got along so well because we partied. We got drunk and we laughed about our experiences with boys and laughed at each others drunken instances of making a complete fool out of ourselves. But when we were sober and when the humor of alcohol wore off.. all we were left with were headaches and clashing personalities. I was friends with people who constantly judged. Who constantly tried to make others feel inferior. I was judged, I felt like I wasn't good enough, I always had something to prove.

So while I miss some of those people and I am deeply, deeply sorry I hurt that at one point in time, I am not sad that we have lost touch. I am where I need to be. I am surrounded by some of the best friends a person can have, my family. I am growing, I am learning, I am becoming a better person. It isn't the past that I am learning from, it is my expectations and hopes for the future.


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Random Randomness:

There is a new/old guy. We will call him... .... ... I'll think of something later. I was talking to him when pIah and I broke up and after a little while he got on my nerves (like a lot of guys do). But recently, we have started talking again... and he hasn't bugged me. Hes kinda wearing on me. I like him because he is sweet. Hes also easy on the eyes, which is a huge plus. And when someone is always telling me how beautiful they think I am... I kiiiinda tend to want them around. Soooo he has stayed the night with me the past two nights.. and I don't hate it! so we will see where that goes. The good news is... he is single. About damn time I found one of those!

I reallllly need to hurry up and finish my degree. I also REALLY want a new job! Mine is so.. boring and repetitive.. and easy. Buuut.. its what I've got for now. So I GUESS I'll take it. ugh.

Dave wants me to move to Oklahoma with him. Tulsa, to be exact. In the fall. That's all I've got to say about that.

It get cold, freezing cold, then it gets warm... now it's supposed to rain all day tomorrow. WTF, Mother Nature?! Don't you see all of us... BEGGING for warm weather?!?!?! Keep it around, teasing is never liked by anyone.. at least when we are talking about the weather.

HAPPY HUMP DAY!!
xoxox